"OK, but I'm only going if they have glee club...!"

NY PostZachary Young’s acceptance letters to Harvard, MIT and Caltech arrived early at his Upper East Side apartment last month. Two years early. Not even having finished his sophomore year at the city’s elite, public Stuyvesant HS, the 15-year-old wunderkind has already secured seats for himself at three of the country’s brainiest colleges. For a while, it was a mailbox flurry of good news. “I was pretty shocked. I hadn’t really pictured myself getting a letter,” the brainiac said of his first acceptance — from Caltech. But it was the MIT green-light that shot him over the moon. “That was much more exciting,” he gushed. “I had my mom, my sisters and my girlfriend, and they all screamed.” Young says he still hasn’t decided which university to attend. “I’m still totally not sure,” he admits. “I flip-flop like every day.” Young’s aptitude was obvious from preschool, although he also once read an “Idiot’s Guide to World War II” — when he was in third grade. His passion for math began at age 2, when he finished a puzzle — and then did it upside down to make it more challenging.”I wasn’t sure what classes I’d be able to take next year,” said Zach, who attended the private Ethical Culture Fieldston School through fifth grade before switching to the Anderson School in sixth. “I really just applied to college to give myself options.”

Are you fucking kidding me. He read an “Idiot’s Guide to World War II” when he was in the third grade? When I was in the 3rd grade I was just hoping I didn’t get a phone call or parent teacher conference for stealing milk and yankin on girls’ underwear straps… Seriously, this kid needs to come back to reality. What ever happened to being too smart for teachers and shit like that. The kid spends 10 years in seclusion reading the fucking Iliad and doing quantum physics while the rest of us were doing normal stuff like drinking beers and getting hand jobs. I mean, congratulations are in order, but for real…the kid got accepted to several major universities at age 15…?!

“I’m still totally not sure,” he admits. “I flip-flop like every day.” ~ OK.. This is where I draw the line on humanity. You can solve Mandelbrot sets, but you can’t figure out where you would rather reign as the worlds biggest nerd? Maybe you can devise some sort of algorithmic formula and figure it out. Better yet, if you come to Boston, look me up – 617-899-6627 and ask for The Chef…I will take you around to MIT and Harvard and where ever else you want to go. We can hang out, be buddies, best friends even. You can do my grad homework and, in turn, I will show you how to spread out your scholarship money so that we, I, I…mean you, can retire before even attending those silly schools…What do you need a PhD in Physics from MIT for nowadays anyway..? Haven’t you heard, the job market is shot; the economy is failing. Shit brother…It’s almost the fucking apocalypse for crying out loud…Let’s party…Er, I mean…hang out…get to know each other, play some D-n-D, dude…Hey, you don’t have a sister do yah??

pr-ma