“Alls you need is a bottle of Jack Daniels, a vibrator and a body pillow. You dont have to cook for your pillow you dont have to clean for it. Nothin. You know what I’m saying? You can drink, you can use ya vibrator and you can spoon ya pillow whenever you want. And then whenever ya good and ready you can fuhck ya pillow. You can even fuhck ya pillow when its that time of the month and I guarantee you nobody’s gonna care. Might get a little messy though. It will be like a crime scene pillow.”

“Sluts need love too. And plus every man should date a stripper at least once in their life”

“I just want a man that can tickle my belly button from the inside. Not asking for a lot. Or like get creative, put loctite on my dildo and shove it up there. It works best in the tightest of situations.”

“I’m gonna go on Craigslist and put out an ad for a little Sunday evening gangbang and it will be a sexual mixer for me and then maybe i’ll find the man of my dreams like that.”

“Whats more embarrassing, a pussy fart or a limp dick? His dick was limp before I pussy farted. But yea that was pretty embarassing. I swear the room was completely silent and alls I heard was an uncontrollable pussy fart and I saw the walls of his motha’s basement vibrating like they were shaking like an earthquake was about to happen.”

I’m going to get right to the point here. I could write so much about the reasons you are undateable, but I think you hit the nail perfectly dead center with this one. Not drying off after you shower, not filing ice trays, not shutting the door when you shit are all the least of your worries. The number one reason you are undateable is because you are butt ugly.  You look like the fat witch from Hocus Pocus. Undateable.

Secondly, you smoke cigs like they are disappearing from the face of the earth.  Take a freaking breath of fresh air in between those drags.  You look like you are huffing cigs to get fucking high because you can’t afford the real shit. Undateable.

Which brings me to my next point. You look like live you in a dungeon.  Where the hell are you taping this video?  Your living room? Bitches who like to hang out in dirty nasty dungeons earn zero points therefor you are undateable.

Fourth,  you suck.  you just down right suck. In those 6 minutes I couldn’t decide if I was watching a stand up comedy routine gone horribly wrong, or your attempt at humor just sucks.  You laughed at yourself calling a pillow with vagina blood on it, a crime scene pillow. My god, a night with you at home would be like hearing finger nails dragged across a chalk board every time your cock sucker opened.

The fifth reason you are undateable is you reference to uncircumcised penis more than three times in the video. That’s 3 uncircumcised penis referrals per every 2 minutes.  Anyone who talks about foreskin and dicks more than twice a year is undatebale.

Pussy farts? Really? They are the most embarrasing thing to happen in the bedroom.  Any girl who openly claims to have had one or remembers what it was like, is by and large, UNDATEABLE…..  NEXT.