You know when you’re like, “Darling! You forgot to unharness me! The cuffs are digging into my coccyx…” And then you’re like, “Yeah but I’m tired of the double-chambered, 20 amp, gyro-reciprocating, vibrating, mystical jackrabbit!” And then she’s all like, “Sweety-pie, stop squirming, or we’ll never find that probe”.

Things settle down for a bit, but then all of a sudden you’re like “Is this my wiener pump or a stockings canister?” And then she’s like, “Where’s those quivering silicone butts at?” And then finally you’re like, “Ball gags? No, ball clamps, sweet heart!”

But then you wake up all affright, murmuring “Fleshy dongs! Fuzzy whips!” And then she’s like “How many carats on that dong ring?” To which you reply, “Wasn’t the second safety word frock-dongle?” But then you’re like, “Oh yeah, no the first was bung-smuggler, my bad.”

Now, you’re traditional when it comes down to it. You don’t really need all the jackrabbits, and the ball harnesses, and the fake butts. You don’t need to replicate any quivering gesticulations. You’re not the type to “lose” a probe, come on! You’re a calm, level-headed, employed person. You don’t need all of this “excitement”! You’re not a fan of all of these theatrics. Let’s get back to basics here. There’s no need for wiener pumps and ball gags and butt puppies. Who needs these ass-strokers and virtual ticklers?

But then Monday afternoon, your like, “Hey where’s my extreme beefy snatch tube?” And then you’re all, “Has anyone seen my pipe-dream peek-a-boo rough rider?” And so then she’s all like, “Where’d you put my scarlet nipple clams and the Velcro ball stretcher?” And so you respond like, “Is that clitoral jewelry?!” And she says, “You’re not listening! Take the vibrating nipple suckers out of your ears! Pass me the spandex hood, please.” And then you’re like, “The nipple vices?” And then –