Ah, video games and hot men: my two favorite things in the whole wide world. There aren’t enough of these lists, to be honest. You could find pages and pages and pages of hot female characters (I’ll do one of those soon enough, worry not!), but of hot male characters? Good luck finding any! It kind of sucks considering that 40% of all gamers are female and even within the male gamers, there’s still gay video game players. So let’s have a little fun with this fairly straightforward top five entry…
I. Want. To. Lick. Him.Everywhere. Okay, okay! I know he’s kind of a s**t character in a s**t game with a s**t story (I’m talking purely Resident Evil 5 Chris here), and he’s obviously juicin’ to get the kind of body he has (not that I personally care, but it has to be said), but I’d still do unspeakable things to him if he was real. Call me shallow, but staring at him from time to time almost made the atrocious fifth installment of Resident Evil worth playing…almost…as long as you put the game on mute so you don’t have to listen to what comes out of Chris’ mouth. See, I know his merits are purely based on his ability to be eye candy, but RE 5 Chris Redfield is to a lot of straight female gamers and gay male gamers what Lara Croft was to a lot of straight male gamers when she used to have jugs bigger than her own head.
(Insert sexy roaring sound here!) He’s really, really sexy looking, and that outfit only makes him sexier. He’s also a great guy, considering he took Faith in and helped her turn away from a life of petty crime when he discovered her breaking into his house. He’s constantly in Faith’s ear, monitoring her actions to make sure she doesn’t get hurt or killed, and even though he’s ultimately running a business, he still cares deeply for her and her safety. What really got me about him was that you could clearly tell that Merc and Faith had more of a father/daughter relationship than a romantic one, and when you consider how easily the developers/writers of Mirror’s Edge could have just shoehorned a romance in there between the two, I applaud the fact that they didn’t. They did everything possible to make Faith a strong, independent woman, and her relationship to Merc and his respect for her are a part of that whole package. This all just adds to his overall appeal.
As if I didn’t already have enough reasons to love Mirror’s Edge the way I do…
There’s only two things you need to know about Solid Snake…
He’s the only man hot enough and badass enough to pull off the mullet.
…and the second:
Ellis: “Did I ever tell you about that time ma’ buddy Keith drowned in The Tunnel of Love? You wouldn’t think it could happen, ’cause the water’s so shallow, but –”
Rochelle: “Ellis, sweetie, can this wait?”
Okay, look, I know he’s dumb as a brick. Actually, I think that last statement is a little insulting to a brick; next to Ellis a brick looks like a Harvard graduate. But that’s part of what makes Ellis so charming: he’s so dumb that it’s cute, and he’s a really sweet person to boot. His Keith stories are also always a riot and I can’t help but bust out laughing each time he starts going on a random rant with one of them in the most inopportune places imaginable; getting me to laugh hysterically about Keith getting third degree burns on 95% of his body while a Charger is smashing my face into the floor repeatedly is quite a feat. He’s physically cute too, not being overly muscular or carrying the “douche look” of most of today’s protagonists (I’m looking at you, Nathan Drake! Oh, I said it! *Puts on flame-retardant suit*). I kind of always find myself at a crossroads when I play L4D2 because a part of me wants to play as Ellis since he’s my favorite character (barely edging out Rochelle), but another part of me wants to play somebody else just so I can ogle at him when zombies aren’t trying to eat my head. Which is like…a whole five seconds per stage.
Thank god for the ability to mod him in the PC version and make him gay. I know that a lot of people don’t like doing that (for some it makes the romance “artificial”) and I completely understand why, but Alistair is just so damned likable that I couldn’t resist. I love how loyal he is, and how humble he is too, and for what it’s worth he’s one of the few characters in the game not desperately seeking power (and actually, he avoids it like I avoid a High Dragon). Physically, he’s gorgeous, but it’s the personality and how well written of a character he is that really gets me. His comments sway from sassy/witty to absolutely adorable and deep. Let’s not forget how innocent and naive he is about love and courtship: an extra dimension that makes him all the better! F**k the Twilight fans who think Edward Cullen is the perfect fictional man: that honor goes to Alistair. <3
(Yes, that’s right, he managed to get me to add a grammatically inappropriate “heart” in one of my articles. That’s how much I like him!)
Not only is Alistair the sexiest male character I’ve encountered in a video game, mind you, but he’s also my favorite video game character of all time. This is noteworthy in my case for a few reasons: the primary one being that I never tend to actually like most male characters in games, especially when females are included who end up eclipsing them as I progress through the games in question. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching and loving Xena: Warrior Princess (TRU FAX: my life motto is “What Would Xena Do?”), but there is nothing I adore more than a headstrong, free thinking, badass female character (I’m looking at you, Sylvannas Windrunner!). Now keep in mind that Alistair is a male, which already makes it less likely that I would find him so appealing as a character. Then throw in there the fact that he had to compete with Morrigan to be my favorite character in the game, with Morrigan fitting the description of “badass, free thinking female” perfectly (and really, Morrigan is all kinds of f**kin’ AWESOME wrapped in a sarcastic Apostate, further wrapped in moral ambiguity and baddassery that makes Chuck Norris seem tame). You can see now why Alistair being my favorite Dragon Age character, favorite Bioware character, and favorite overall video game character is quite a feat.
Plus, how cute is he when he’s jealous? I mean, just look at the video linked below:
And just because I like to push my own dog-and-pony show, here’s a video I’ve been working on (sporadically) for a while now:
You may now proceed to laugh at my FAIL n00b video editing skills!