Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: I can’t think of a good New Year’s resolution for 2010. Last year I tried to quit smoking cigs; that lasted about 48 hours. What’s yours going to be, 2d2gc? – You Say You Want a Resolution, Boca Raton
A: Your resolution should definitely be to read more BeachFront News. (Or maybe to develop some sort of resolve: jeesh – 48 hours? Pathetic!) As for me, it will be the usual: I resolve to keep burning down orphanages and beating up the elderly like the Rock Star I am! Oh yeah, and I resolve to go down on girls more often. Q: Dear South Florida Philo: The new girl I’m dating doesn’t smoke pot. Worse than that, she acts like the world’s gonna end when I do it. How do I tell her that, even in a relationship, tolerance is a healy quality? A: *Sniff* Abraham, Martin, John, and Bobby would be proud of you, my brother; tolerance is among the most important foundations of every relationship, whether between a man and a woman, parents and children, or a nation, its government and citizens. The problem with pot is that it’s still illegal in most places (including Florida), so from a strictly legal perspective, she does have a legitimate claim. Let’s be honest, though: calling someone out for smoking pot these days is like yelling at your dog for shedding, or at a child for getting his clothes dirty while playing. You can do it, but everyone will think you’re crazy. My advice: give her a bong hit and convert her. No one should go through life square; it’d be so boring. Q: Dear SFP: I recently met a cheerleader for a local professional team, which I thought was cool at first. The only problem is, she talks ‘cheerleader.’ For instance, if she were here right now, she would say something like “you’re the most amazing.” The whole adjective-describing-the-level-of-intensity-of-yet-another-adjective is just too much for my little brain to handle. Isn’t being “amazing” good enough? Is it really necessary to be the “most” amazing? And conversely, does that imply that some people are “the least amazing?” Just how many levels of “amazing” are there? – Women Are From Mars, Delray Beach A: Apparently quite a few, if your cheerleader is any indication. How about “medium amazing?” Or just regular, plain old, “everyday amazing.” What about boring, basic, “normal amazing!” Oh, I could go on and on, but seriously, if you are annoyed by it now, you’ll hate it later, so run for the hills. Describing adjectives with adjectives makes the second adjective moot. The only possible purpose to doing it – other than to be intentionally weird or eccentric – is that she’s purposely trying to slaughter the King’s English (and everyone else’s English, too). Q: Dear SFL Philosophy: My new Boyfriend and his golf buddies always say “GKY.” Now my man says it all the time: at dinner, in bed, watching TV, whatever. I think it’s some kind of bonding thing between him and his golfing buddies. While I’m not against it, it just seems to me that GKY (Internet slang for “Go Kill Yourself”) is a kind of low grade acronym to get attached to. Am I out of line if I tell him to “GFH” (Go @#$% Himself)? – Acronymed-out in Margate A: It’s never out of line to speak your mind, my fair Margate lady, just be careful which fights you choose to pick. In a relationship, you can’t argue everyday. There must be peace more often than not, otherwise you find yourself in a bad relationship. Do yourself a favor and get up from the computer, march over to your man, give him a big kiss on the lips, and tell him that if he promises to never say “GKY” again you’ll familiarize him with another acronym (which involves the letters “B” and “J”). Something tells me you’ll never hear him use that internet slang again. Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: I went to the New Year’s Eve Phish concert in Miami, and it was the best time I’ve had at a show in quite a while. What do you think the best part of a Phish show is? – Phish Styx, Fort Lauderdale A: Hands down, it’s the Nitrous. Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: I have fallen in love with a girl who hates my guts, but I still can’t get her out of my head. When I first met her I was so nervous that I put my foot in my mouth trying to act cool. Now I need a plan to win her over and show her I’m not a tool box? – She really hates me in Miami A: If she really hates you, that is something we can work with. Indifference is the real killer. Hate is a truly strong emotion and, in this case, is actually a good thing, because it means she has feelings for you. This is what you want. Your problem is the feelings she has for you are not the same as the ones you want her to have; all you have to do is change how she feels about you. This is actually a lot easier than trying to foster feelings from someone who has no feelings for you at all. What you need to do is wipe that first impression out of her head with a great second impression. Find something she is going to be doing with mutual friends and tag along; preferably something cool like a concert or sporting event (not dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s). Then when you get a chance to talk to her for the second time, you should have a rehearsed conversation all ready to go. Something like “Hey, my friend kissed a girl while his girlfriend was out of town. He says it’s not cheating; do you think it is?” That’s a subject a girl can really sink her teeth into. When she invariably says “Yes it’s cheating,” you immediately replay “That’s what I told him!” This will create value for you in her eyes by showing her that you’re a stand-up guy (and that you agree with her, which they love, at least in the beginning). Here’s the tough part: you need to end the conversation before it goes stale, so while she’s talking, interrupt her in the middle of her sentence and say “I’d love to finish this conversation later but I think we should get back to our friends.” This will leave her hanging, and give you an opening at the end of the evening to either take her home or at least get her number (depending on what kind of girl she is).