Probably the most amazing store in the world is the Dollar Store.   I was there with my camera and snapped some pretty weird shit..   They sell everything for a buck and there’s like a million things there that shouldn’t be a buck.  Like hammers.  And Ziploc bags.  And pregnancy tests.  That’s how far we have come as a species.  I can walk into a store with one dollar and learn if I’m pregnant with an accuracy that’s acceptable for the Chinese marketplace.  That’s amazing.

Pregnancy Test

The problem with the Dollar Store is that very same pregnancy test.  Is there any reason for any one of us to ever need a $1 pregnancy test?  If you care enough to wonder, you should probably shell out the extra couple of bucks and get the test that wasn’t made from lead paint, melamine and political dissidents.  It doesn’t stop at pregnancy tests either.  The Dollar Store is a wall-to-wall sad state of affairs at the best of times.  Sure, you think you’re getting a wicked deal on duct tape and light bulbs, but then there’s all of this.

Men’s Boxers

Look at these sorry characters.  5% spandex.  How often do you figure someone tries these on then brings them back?  How often are these used for the sole purpose of degenerate wanking by a disturbed individual who watches himself in a mirror but has the lights off so he can’t make eye contact with himself?

Surgical Masks

I guess I’ve discovered where back alley surgeons in Mexico get most of their supplies.  Though why they’d even feel the need to put up the charade long enough to require an actual surgical mask is anyone’s guess.  In any event, there’s something inherently sad about medical supplies at the Dollar Store.

Pastie’s

I don’t know much about the mystery of what happens under a lady’s clothes, but I did see a boob once on TV.  That said, this seems to be a box of sweat sucking pads to be applied to armpits as well as nipple tape so you don’t get pokies.  Can you even imagine the state of your life if you’re at a Dollar store buying nipple pokie tape?  What horrible gypsy curse brought that on?

The Miracle Bra

Speaking of boobs, here’s a clip that gives you cleavage or some such.  I guess.  It’s one of those deceptive tricks that B  cups employ to look like C cups, never really mindful of how, when they get exposed for the frauds they are that first time, they will never be trusted again.  Ladies, remember that – if you use a Wonderbra or one of these little clippie things or if you jam some bacon under there or whatever, when we find out what you did, we will not be impressed.

Maxi Pads

Dollar Stores seem to excel at the humiliation of women, it’s like Mel Gibson is a stock holder.  Here’s the heavy flow section, for ladies who are going through that time of the month but can’t be bothered to stop spending their government allowance at the casino.

Ovulation Predictor

Because a pregnancy test isn’t enough, they also produce ovulation detectors.  Should anything that costs a buck have a hand in determining whether or not you’re fertile?  Your fallopian tubes don’t need to cross paths with this kind of technology.

Drakkar Noir

Hey, do you want to smell like an $11 bottle of cologne while spending that extra $10 on several bottles of Thunderbird?  Of course you do.  The Dollar Store comes through again.  I didn’t have the balls to open this and try it out but I have to assume it smells like a mix between Drakkar cologne and a urinal cake, because that’s pretty much what the whole aisle smelled like.

Polo

As an added bonus, if you prefer the smell of Polo apparently you get to be a backpacking douche at the same time.

Goats Milk Bubble Bath – WTF?

The marketing geniuses at Dollar Store HQ strike again.  Sure this may be made with goat’s milk but you know what people rarely associate with cleanliness?  A stinking goat.  Plus this goat has those crazy neck tits that goats get, what’s that about?

Club Millionaire Canned Clams

I felt there was something poetic about Millionaire brand clams at the Dollar Store.  Plus who the f*ck is buying a can of clams anywhere, let alone at the Dollar Store?  I had to assume these were a product of some backward country that probably ate bugs and the like.  Then I noticed it said Indonesia at the bottom so I had to look it up because my knowledge of Indonesia is scant at best.  I found out they have orangutans there and in 2007 an orangutan was rescued from a brothel.  Canned clams, go figure.

The Toy Pedo

As a product of internet culture, I can’t wrap my head around how this image can exist out in the world.  But I have to assume most people don’t spend as much time online as I do and the word “pedo”  scrawled over a phallic object hurtling towards a child’s open mouth may not seem unusual to the rest of society.  In any event, here’s a joke that seems born for online chicanery.