Remember when Budweiser beer was synonymous with “America”? And thennnn Anheisuer-Busch sold the majority share to a Belgian company? So then Budweiser was from Belgium. Now the biggest beer in America is a drop in the sudsy bucket of the biggest beverage corporation on the planet. Why do we care?

Because now they’re sending the Clydesdales to Mars.

In the sweet spirit of cozy capitalism and “making a house a home”… Budweiser wants your first Martian cold-one to be on them. Well not really, I mean, you’re gonna have to pay for that. But in the cold case, under the “microgravity lager” section, there’ll likely be just one option for the intergalactic consumer. “This Bud’s for you,” Martians will never say to each other. Is an Earthling astronaut living on Mars still an Earthling? Am I still a Bostonian if I live in Boca?

What Budweiser is proposing, according to sxsw, is the creation of a microgravity beer for envisioned social situations between interstellar schmoosers… or if you’re from my part of town, for daily situations of working construction equals suitcases of tall, cool Budweisers to the face, wake up in your Red Wings.

It’s the “my-kro-grav-etty” that’ll scientifically jumble your bubbles. Carbonation does not thrive in a zero-gravity situation…apparently. Is this what your tax dollars are funding? The effects of carbonation in space?? Astro-physicist geniuses aboard the ISS are popping suds to figure out if we can bring canned beverages into the troposphere?

So what does microgravity do to carbon dioxide gas in water? Let’s ask NASA, shall we… “The bubbles of carbon dioxide in carbonated beverages aren’t buoyant in a weightless environment, so they remain randomly distributed throughout the fluid, even after swallowing… carbonation and the soda will not separate in microgravity… In space, with the absence of gravity, the carbon dioxide bubbles in carbonated beverages go through an astronaut’s digestive system, rather than being belched out as on Earth, and may cause adverse side effects.”

Sooo what does this mean? I’m pretty sure it means you die in space. Anyway, go Budweiser!