You got questions, we got answers

You got questions, we got answers

Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: Why do we put gifts in people’s stockings at Christmas? We already put gifts under the tree; why is it necessary to fill their stockings as well? Isn’t it a bit redundant?              -Christmas curious in Miami A: The tradition of Christmas stockings was started back during the days of dowries. As legend has it, jolly Saint Nicholas would fly by the houses of young ladies who were too poor to have their own dowry (and therefore were much less eligible and less likely to get married). Saint Nick would throw gold coins down their chimneys; the girls’ stockings  (usually hanging to dry by the fire place) would catch the coins, which then made for a healthy dowry. Todays stockings are a lot different: since they’re not made to be worn, they are much more elaborately decorated. And today, there’s also usually one stocking for every member of the family (including pets), not just for the females. And gold coins are rarely used, unless they’re filled with chocolate. For the most part, stockings are reserved for smaller gifts and candy. If you grew up in a house like mine, the stocking gifts are usually the first thing you open on Christmas morning. Q: Dear SFP: I wanted to surprise my husband for the holidays and was on the couch waiting for him to get home. I was wearing nothing but a Santa hat, sitting under some mistletoe I had strung. It was a great plan – until he opened the front door and walked in with four of his friends from work! I was mortified. How can I ever look those people in the eye gain? I’ll be damned if I go to his office party! – Sexy (Surprised) Santa, Boca A: Don’t sweat Sexy; I’m sure you’re husband’s work pals have seen a naked woman before. Besides, ’tis the season for giving, and you, my friend, have given them an eyeful! If it really keeps bothering you, just bust in on them in the bathroom at their next Texas Hold ‘Em night – this way you’ll be even from a karmic standpoint. But whatever you do, don’t let this one incident prevent you from being spontaneous in the future. We only get one ride on this crazy merry go ’round, so you might as well make it interesting! The hidden gem of the situation is what a great story this is going to make at cocktail parties. And be alert to the possibility that one or all of these guys will try to hit on you.:it’s in our DNA; we can’t help it. Q: Dear SF Philosopher: I’m from New York, and it just never feels like Christmas down here in South Florida. Is there some way we can make it more snowy? -White Christmas A: Yeah, if you’re not native or used to it, South Florida can leave a little bit to be desired as far the Holiday vibe goes. Lets face it: Las Olas Boulevard is not exactly Rockefeller Center. The truth is if you want a white Christmas, fly home. That’s what I’m doing. Otherwise, throw some lights on a palm tree, pop a Corona, and head down to the beach. On the way, tell everyone you pass “Feliz Navidad” (it’s ‘South Florida’ for “Merry Christmas”). Q: Dear South Florida Philosopher: I recently met a ‘smoke piece’ named Marci, and we have been dating for six weeks. Although we have “done the dirty” a couple of times, she always refuses to take her shirt off. After the third time this happened, I asked her about it but she got a little freaked-out. Reluctantly, she finally showed me that she has two nipples on her left breast. This girl has three nipples, 2d2gc! Is this normal? Help me. – Triple threat in Davie A: Not very common but totally normal, maybe it just means you guys are going to have triplets. Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy im currently dating the bosses niece, but Im so over it. Her name is Cassy and I want to break up with her bad. However, im afraid if I dump her, her uncle will treat me differently at work or even fire me. I love this job, and I dont want to get fired. They have foosball in the break room and the place doesn’t open till 11am, its great. How can I get out of this relationship and keep my job? -Tuff spot in Delray A: Tuff spot, here’s what you do: It’s really simple, and it can be used in any situation where in you can’t formally dump the other person for whatever the reason (i.e., your significant other works with you, or your significant other is the boss’ daughter, or if your significant gets paralyzed or disfigured in some way during the course of your relationship [especially if it’s the result of something you did], or in your case, the significant other is the bosses favorite niece. What you have to do is get caught cheating. Yes, I’m talking about an intentional cheatfest, and even more to the point, a cheatfest where you get caught in the end. This plan is very effective but you must follow the one cardinal rule: get caught with a girl who is not as hot as your girlfriend. Do not, I repeat, do not cheat with someone who is better looking than your girlfriend. When a girl catches you with someone hotter, they go completly insane. They could quite possibly kill you or themselves, and I don’t want that sh!t on my conscience. So don’t do it. Besides, that’s not what we want here. What we want is an easy out. So follow these 5 steps to insure success and you’ll be out on the range huntin strange in no time! Step one, the act: find and sleep with a girl not as pretty as the bosses favorite niece. Step 2, the discovery: Leak the news to one of her friends – you know, the one who acts like she’s your friend. We’ll call her ‘Patti.’ Tell Patti you made a mistake, and that you need to confide in someone. Tell her that absolutley, under NO circumstances, can she tell Cassy what you’re about to tell her. Then spill the beans: tell her you cheated, and with whom you cheated with. Then go into a ‘heartfelt’ speech about how bad you feel because you really like Cassy. Tell Patti that you think Cassy is the one, that you love her, etc. Then go home and turn on Sports Center. Step 3, the wait: The end is near. It will start with phone calls; don’t answer them. Next come the texts; ignore them, too. Soon, she will show up at your house, and that’s what we want; to finally end it, you need to be face-to-face. Step 4, the climax: When she rolls in, she’s going to be fuming,and there are going to be some harsh words. The important part is to tell her you’re sorry. Tell her you made a mistake, you think shes the one, you love her, etc. (The same stuff you told Patti.) The key here is NOT to deny it! After a few minutes of yelling at you and hearing you apologize sufficiently, she will inevitably end the argument, usually with something like, “well, at least I’m way hotter than that b!tch!”. Then she will walk out and slam the door behind her.  A person – and especially a girl – will never make up with someone right at the end of an “I caught you cheating” fight; they have to dump you. That’s the penalty for cheating – everyone knows that. Sadly, most couples miss out on a great chance of a clean break and get back together shortly after the argument and thats what shell be counting on. Step 5, out of sight out of mind: Now all you have to do is avoid her. You can’t make up if you don’t talk, so dodge bullets. Don’t take her calls and don’t answer texts, and definitely don’t go anywhere she might be. If you can make it two weeks, you’re home free. I know what your thinking: the downside of this plan is that getting caught cheating you’ll be labeled a “cheater.” But it’s not like that. Calling a guy out for cheating is like calling a developmentally-challenged kid out for double-dribble: you just don’t do it. Furthermore, she’ll tell herself that she dumped you, and that you don’t deserve her, anyway. Besides – she’s way hotter than the other girl!(see where that fits in) As for any concerned secondary parties (like her uncle, the boss) you can tell them: “Hey, look, I loved her. She dumped me. You can even ask Patti.” Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: I hear there is possibly going to be a U2 concert in South Florida this year; is there any truth to that? -U2 fanatic A: There is truth to that: the U2 concert will be at Land Shark Stadium (formerly Dolphin Stadium), July 9, 2010 at 7:00 p.m. U2 is definitely the show to see in 2010, and it’s brought to you by Live Nation. To get tickets, go to www.livenation.com; they range from $60 to $1,000. Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: My friends from up north keep slicing the dutch down the middle, then sealing it. But when I roll a blunt, I unravel it, then slice the inside and roll it back up. We constantly argue over which way is better. Can you please tell us which is the proper way to roll a blunt? -Blunted in SFL A:  Well Blunted, as long as it smokes, there is no improper way. The reason for the two different styles is that up north, smokers originally started with “Philly Blunts,” and Phillies can’t be unraveled, they have to be sliced. In the south, everyone started smoking Dutch Masters, which can be unrolled and then rewrapped. These days, everyone pretty much smokes Dutch Masters, but the styles have stayed true to their particular region: Whereas Northerners slice the dutch, which makes for a quick, easy way to roll a blunt, southerners unwrap and reroll their dutchies for a more polished final product. I myself use both styles, and because I often travel between New York and South Florida, I employ the “when in Rome” principle. Tonight I’m in South Florida, so it looks like I’ll be unwrapping and rerolling. See you in the clouds! Q: Dear SF Philosophy: I keep having naughty dreams about Santa. He’s just so round and jolly, I want to jump his bones!       -Santas ALL I want for Christmas! A: You are definitely going on the Naughty Girls list (yet something tells me Santa might just pay you a visit anyway). Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: My new girlfriend got a hermit crab for her birthday and in front of her entire family, named it after me (who, at the time, was sitting right next to her). Is it weird to name your pet after your boyfriend? – Pet names in Pompano A: Not weird obsessive. The weird part is having the hermit crab in the first place. I’m not sure about a family member who gives an adult a hermit crab. Was it a gag gift? Either way, naming the pet after you is a grand gesture; you should match it by naming a pet after her, like a goldfish named “Crazy,” or a snail named “Whack-o.” Q: Dear South Florida Philosophy: I want my husband to buy me a Lexus for Christmas, the RX 350 (the one with the big red bow on it – just like in the commercial!). Can I tell him what I want without sounding pretentious and high maintenance?       -Lexus for Xmas A: You can, but it’s okay: I’m sure he realized you where pretentious and high maintenance the first day he met you. He knew what he was signing up for, so if this is your must-have gift of 2009, just tell the poor guy. I’m certain he would rather spend a fortune on a gift to make you happy. Than spend the whole of 2010 being silently crucified, for not getting you the gift, he didn’t even know you wanted. One thing’s for sure: if he does spring for this over-the-top Christmas present, you should show him your appreciation with a little Christmas day road #&@>.