Somatoform: one whose physical ailments are due to psychological factors, based on a diagnosis which fruits no medical cause for said ailments. . .  Liars? No. Wack-outs? Maybe. Delusional manifestors? Yup!

Wicked smart Italien doctors, or dottores, have loosely decided that only one-third (1/3) of “lactose intolerants” actually ARE lactose intolerant. One. Third. This means that 2 out of every 3 people who get tectonic flatulence and the mud-butt on dairy are actually…conjuring up…the tectonic flatulence…and the mud-butt? Geez, bunch of sick somatoforms!

Italy! Gastroenterology unit research scientists of IRCCS-Ca Granda (whatever the fruck that is), in Milan have concluded, in preliminary tests, that 2/3 of lactose intolerant Italians are manifesting the disorder, according to TIME magazine. 102 people were examined, given breath tests which “measure hydrogen levels and (are) commonly used to diagnose lactose intolerance,” says TIME. Lead researcher, Dr. Guido Basilisco concluded that less than 1/3 of those who reported suffering from lactose intolerance actually had the condition.

Lactose intolerance, nerds, is the inability to metabolize lactose due to the body’s lack of the enzyme, lactase. LI’s suffer from bloating, gas (a concoction of hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane…nerd), gut-rot, nausea, and FLATULENCE!

TIME states that 30 to 50 million Americans are afflicted with lactose intolerance. . . or are they? Pff, that’s somatoforms for yuh, right!