Virgo! We say it's your Birthday!

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Freakin’ relax already, would you? Planning and plotting and straightening- enough! It’s torture when your best laid plans are wrecked by mousy individuals, but seriously, there is only so much you can do!  Punch out and take a mental health day before you go completely off the neurotic deep end and need to be pinned down in a four point harness and sedated.  Things usually have a way of coming together even without your meticulous control methods so let things just unfold for once.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22) – Others always seem to confide in you and trust your diplomacy. This is a role you take quite seriously. But, no matter how discreet and honorable you are in keeping others’ secrets, some secrets have a way of inevitably creeping out of dark places into the light to either offer relief, in which case you’ll be praised and thanked for your judicious airing, or to shake your foundations and leave a heaping mess usually leaving you as the first one to be blamed. Be prepared for interrogations if the secrets that you’ve dutifully kept cause an uproar. When tempers flare, it’s hard to get the message across that, hey, you’re just the messenger! You’ll have your work cut out for you, but in the end your reputation for tact will not be tarnished and your street cred will be widely known. Handle anything that crops up with your usual grace and style, but be ready for a fight.

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21) – The summer sizzle isn’t over for you yet, Scorpio-there’s plenty more rebellious and eccentric love and lust for you to explore.  Bide your time though, and play it cool or someone you really want will be run off by your intensity. You’re on a roll and the action’s hot but keep your head straight. You’ve been playing the player but deep down, you’re in it to win it.

Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) – Oh, Sagittarius! You and your eternal thinking! Your delicious brains need no fava bean side dish to make a juicy morsel out of what have been mere thoughts up to now.  How long are you going to ignore the the obvious compatibility with a certain friend who knows you inside and out and actually likes everything about you? You love to swirl a thought around like wine in fine crystal, studying it for color, intensity and clarity and you only do this so you can eventually taste it. So, if you’ve been swirling the same idea around for a while, you know by now you won’t set it down and just walk away. Ignoring your higher mind will only leave you sick in the end, just like staying with the wrong person. So, raise a glass and drink Sag. Drink to your health and make a good decision with all the thinking that you’ve thunk!

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) – Ok, Capricorn, you toughed it out last month and gained some ground but the battle is not yet won, so keep your game face on and get back out there. There is an immense power struggle between the demands of your work and your home life and you aren’t out of the woods yet financially. With Pluto playing your workaholic nature like a fiddle all “Devil Went Down to Georgia” style, it’ll be a feat of Olympic proportions for you to ignore the call to duty to provide what your family needs. While busy making your plans and doing the research to kick your career’s ass up over this slump, remember to include your partner and make it a team effort to win the battle once and for all. It’ll bring you closer so you can snuggle up after the hard work is over. Now won’t that be cozy just in time for the holidays?

Aquarius  (Jan 20 – Feb 18) – Have you been under a rock or something?  Your friends all forget what you look like and there are some things you need to tune into that are happening practically in front of your face!  When you dig in, Aquarius, you mean business and that’s a good thing-mostly.  You have a tendency to take anything you do to an extreme.  Working hard to get caught up is great but you’ve had your head down, plodding through work so much, dull boy, that you might be missing that someone close who you’ve trusted with your finances is nickel and dime-ing away at your efforts with out you being aware.  Keep at it, you’re almost out of that whole, but take a look around every once in awhile so you don’t get played for a fool.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) – Forces unseen are tempting you with change. Yes, sometimes change is good but it’s not always necessary. Don’t give into a whim for the sake of a change in the breeze. You have worked long and hard to carve your path, so don’t be afraid to stand your ground against a gale force wind. Your authenticity is branding all naysayers in the ass, so if it ain’t broke, don’t f*cking fiddle with it. You are just starting to gain ground and the course you’ve set will sweep you clean into Christmas if you just walk your walk and talk your talk. You are moving in the right direction.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – Listen, you impulsive prick…just because someone comes knocking on your door with an offer does not mean that what they are selling is worthwhile. It could be a job, an investment, or some lusty opportunity that gets your motor running and lands in your lap like a hooker with a heart of gold, but be sure to read the fine print (or the innuendo) before you go ramming in without your trusty Trojan (horse).

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Taurus, you’ve quickly become the bull that no one wants to ride, with your sour mood swings and chronic ‘poor me’ addictions. You’ve burned all your bridges and are stuck on the lonely island known as Whoaismee with no hope of rescue. You’ve always had the power to change your own misery and kind souls have stood by and urged you to it but you were too damned stubborn to listen. Find a new way to see the world or find a rope and the nearest tree. Yeah, it’s that bad. Now you’re on your own, pal.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) – Oh, you poor, poor Gemini! Two faces, living the best of both worlds…however could you choose? Do you really think that home & family and career & profession are so mutually exclusive that both can’t fit in the same space? Basically, you’ve had all opportunities knocking at your door and you’ve been too tormented by indecision to answer any call.  Two words for you, Gemini: Colossal Idiot. Find a way to make your two faces meet. You’ll have the time of your ‘lives’.

Cancer ( Jun 21 – Jul 22) – Listen, Crabcake, messages might be getting crossed lately because Mercury the Messenger is practicing his back-peddling, but you know enough already to see things clearly to make a damned decision and stick to it. No matter how many mis-communications clear up, the underlying message is the same, it’s just coming through in a variety of ways. F’n call a spade a spade already and be done with it. Sheesh!

Leo ( Jul 23 – Aug 22)- Listen, Leo…what does it take to get you to keep a flipping dollar in your pocket? How many Peters do you have to rob to pay Paul? (And yes, everyone who knows you is now picturing you ‘robbing’ peters on your knees, and rightly so!) You’ve been a lover, a fool, a poet and now, at last,  a pauper. There are only so many heart-riddled special deliveries arriving at your door so accept your good fortune but don’t rest on your laurels. Light a fire under that fine ass and make something happen without burning your dollars in the process.