Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ever since you displayed signs as a child of the buttinski you’d grow up to be, your social life has consisted of walking up to people and overhearing sentence fragments like, “I don’t know why she just doesn’t tell him…” followed by throat-clearing and silence when your approach is detected. Never a big believer in personal hygiene, your secret regret is that you weren’t born French (or, at least, with less underarm hair). Notable Aries include monkey-loving anthropologist Jane Goodall, monkey-hairy TV host Conan O’Brien, and monkey-fighting warrior princess Lucy Lawler (‘Xena’).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Like many Tauruses, your grasp of reality is tenuous at best (example: you still think that Al Gore was the rightful 43rd president, while bizarrely clinging to the belief that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq). The clingy-type, you’re best remembered as the inspiration for the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction (“Michael – I won’t be ignored!”). You are living proof of the capabilities of beings with artificial intelligence. Famous Tauruses include bartab-skipping NBA-weirdo Dennis Rodman, no-talent daughter of the well-placed Tori Spelling, and 10 p.m.-time-slot-killer Jay Leno.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The numerous contributions to science by Geminis are well-documented. For instance, the guy who invented the rotten-egg smell in stink bombs had a Gemini college roommate (who inspired the scent). The chemist who lost the recipe for original Coke, also a twin-signer. It is likely you have gotten past the tryptophan stupor from all that turkey on Thanksgiving, and yet your friends still can’t tell the difference. Other inspiring Gems include boozing, Britney-dumping Irishman Colin Farrell, suicide-assisting doc (and overall barrel of laughs) Jack Kevorkian, and role model and intellectual-giant Steve-O from Jackass.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
With all the holiday excitement, some of the little yet important things could easily slip your mind (like, did you call your auntie to wish her ‘happy holidays’?, or did you forget to untie the hooker in your buddy’s basement?) . A phone call mid-month won’t spell financial success (which is actually spelled f-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-s-u-c-c-e-s-s, dummy). Sign of the Crab big shots number among them domestic-abusing, gap-toothed pugilist Mike Tyson, career-meltdown poster boy (and Scientology booster) Tom Cruise, and still-searching-for-the-real-killers O.J. Simpson.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leos have always prided themselves on taking on the dirty tasks no one else would (examples: 80% of hall monitors in middle schools are Leos; the head of the former Soviet secret police, also a Leo; the co-worker who reported you for kyping paperclips: Leo). Give yourself this holiday season to your arty side. This could mean single-handedly trimming the tree, helping a friend redecorate her house, or taking a shower with a Van Gogh (either a painting or an actual descendant of the artist). Many Leos are under the mistaken belief that you can have it both ways (too many “Extra Crispy or Original Recipe?” choices may be partly to blame). The Leo Hall of Fame includes Ben Affleck (who?), California Governator (and every Democrat’s favorite Republican) Arnold Schwarzenegger, and original ‘moonwalker,’ Neil Armstrong.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Although it might be time to give up that dream of being an astronaut, it’s not all cheap chardonnay before lunch, Virgo: there’s a rewarding career awaiting you in the food service or housekeeping industry. When people give you grief about too much back hair, remind them that Robin Williams, Danny DeVito and Conan O’Brien can’t all be wrong. A trip to the Wal-Mart could lead to embarrassing questions if all you purchase is kitty litter and Vaseline. Virgo glitterati include love-struck Roman moron Marc Antony, movie moron Keanu Reeves, and friend-to-gerbils-everywhere Richard Gere.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year! There’ll be kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you ‘be of good cheer…’” This may be the best Christmas-Chanukah-Kwanzaa ever! After an amazing Thanksgiving, you’ll find every present you’ve ever wanted under the tree (bush, whatevs) – including things you’ve been coveting since the Nixon years (Rock ’Em, Sock ’Em Robots! A big wheel! The EZ Bake Oven [it’s still pretty gay, though]). Then, as if you couldn’t stand any more holiday cheer, 2010 will find you newly-promoted and higher-salaried, and all your personal relationships will take a turn for the far-better! (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha – whew, that was good. Seriously though, next year will be as %&*$ed as the last one.) Famous Libras: midday snack-abstaining wise man Mahatma Gandhi, all-things-Asian-worshipping singer Gwen Stefani, and Def (and obviously deaf) Jammin’ mogul Russell Simmons.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Many people assume that because of your cold, calculating demeanor (and generally lackluster performance in bed), you are nothing but an emotionless, sociopathic prick. They would be completely correct if not for that teeniest, tiniest vestige of your fleeting humanity (much like the shriveled, barely-beating heart of the Grinch). Only a Scrooge-like transformation from sinner-to-saint can offer you a lifeline from an otherwise assured eternity in a hot place. But hey – there’s a lot of football on this month – and really, wouldn’t you rather spend eternity with your friends, anyway? Sterling specimens of the Scorp ilk include shoplifting and way-too-thin thespian Wynona Ryder, not-aging-but-in-a-creepy-sorta-way pop icon Dick Clark, and dead-animal-fur-on-his-head-sporting American legend Daniel Boone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Hey Sag – happy birthday month! This holiday season is your chance to recapture the lost innocence of your youth (and depending on where you’re locked up, general-population can be a magical place). Quoting lines from The Godfather was cool back in the ’90s; in these, the closing years of “the Aughts,” it means you’re lame, old, or both. Playing with GI Joes when you’re a kid is considered natural; playing with them at your age is considered a fetish. Among those proud to be called Sag: Barbarella bimbo Jane Fonda, Bible-quoting B.M.F. Samuel L. Jackson, and on-again-off-again singing whack-hoe Britney Spears.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
While considered lazy and unpleasant by most who know you, you did collect more Halloween pennies for UNICEF this year than anyone else in your neighborhood (so now, while the UN-crowd thinks you’re all that, your Rush Limbaugh/Sarah Palin-worshipping pals think you’re an America-hating, immigrant-loving agent provocateur). While the economy still stinks, Rahmen noodles are still 43-cents a ton at the big box stores, so eat up, baby! Capricorn alumni number among them law-breaking, G. Gordon Liddy-loving former President Richard Nixon, sweet-as-molasses, boob-reducing Country-music-warbling icon Dolly Parton, and gyrating Rock n Roll legend – and Nixon-admirer – Elvis Presley.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
“This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius! Aquar-i-us! Aquariiiuuuuuuussssssss!!!” Gag. Puke. Not much of an ‘Age,’ eh, Aqua-dork? Nine years into it and where’s the peace? Where’s the love? Where’s the brotherhood? You’ll have to watch Mad Men to get a feel for how people who watched The Jetsons thought life would be like in the Age of Pimp My Ride. Primo Aquarii include the second man (woo-hoo!) to walk on the Moon, Edwin (Edwin? An astronaut named ‘Edwin’?) “Buzz” Aldrin, and Beatles-destroying Dragon Lady/ghoul/widow Yoko Ono.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Or a milkman. This may be a good month to start a new book club, or maybe a stamp collection. Either way, you’ll be making lots of new friends (since few, if any, of your old ones will want anything to do with someone who reads or collects stamps). Winning LOTTO numbers this week are 11-9-17-6-14-2 (either that, or those are the ages of five kids whose DNA will be found to match yours come January, Uncle Daddy). Winning Pisceans include holy-of-holies-flashing Basic Instinct star Sharon Stone, America’s horniest-president-’til-Clinton, George “the Stallion of the Potomac” Washington, and Oprah Winfrey purse-holder Stedman Graham.