What does your horoscope Say?

Aries

21 March – 19 April

The pioneer type, you are probably the first member of your posse to try group sex. Female Aries are historically among the first on their block to install a bidet. A natural-born prick, you are prone to being contemptuous of others, as well as arrogant, impatient, and scornful of advice – some of which you could desperately use. A nasty drunk, your temper has probably gotten you the occasional well-deserved punch in the mouth or slap upside the head. Sperm banks typically flush 95% of donations made by male Aries.

Taurus

20 April – 20 May

You are the hard-working, practical and persistent type – which is a more polite way of saying dull as &*$%. Your often dour personality makes you the subject of your co-workers’ fantasies about leaving you covered in grape jelly and hog-tied over a red-ant hill. If you are political, you are a Fascist, a Communist, or Free Soil Party member. Most people detest your humor, which usually runs to bathroom jokes or limericks about “a laddie named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave.” Four out of five of your friends have already picked out what they’ll be wearing to your funeral; the fifth one has hockey tickets that night.

Gemini

21 May – 21 June

It is truly fortunate for you that your bisexuality has enabled you to have so many interesting (and wealthy) friends. There is a better than average chance that one (or both) of your parents cross-dressed. A proficient dodger of restaurant checks, it is only the ease with which you spread your legs that keeps you rolling in dinner invites. There is a long tradition of Geminis being the product of incestuous unions. Your natural athleticism (and an unusual attraction you have for back-fat) could lead to a career as a masseur in a gay, Bears-only bathhouse. As a wise man once said, “there’s no ‘I’ in team” – and there’s also no ‘U.’ If you are from Europe, you are almost certainly French.

Cancer

22 June – 22 July

Although you appear to others to be sympathetic and understanding, your secret tapings of their conversations for later use as “ear porn” makes you both creepy and lame at the same time. People who are smarter than you (in other words, most everyone) consider you a mental-midget, and even your closest friends feel your greatest contribution to society was when you (accidentally) filled out the organ donor portion of your driver’s license. You are always putting things off, which is why even your mother thinks you are space better taken up by a thalidomide baby. You make friends easily, but lose them just as quickly, especially after the G has worn off. A new job prospect is on the horizon, but you will undoubtedly &*$% up the opportunity by wearing the wrong tie or mismatched socks to the interview.

Leo

23 July – 22 August

Like most Leos, you are a bully, driven by your innate self-loathing and dubious fashion sense. A person likely to be found sitting in your underwear watching Judge Judy when you should be at work (or watching Internet porn), you project an image of vanity, pushiness and arrogance. You love flattery, and are susceptible to the most ridiculous compliments about your hair, your clothes, or your near-mint condition first edition copy of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Many Leo women shave their pubes into cockroach shapes. If you are a Leo male, you are likely to have a fetish for chicks with receding hairlines. Leos are one of the best arguments in favor of forced-sterilization.

Virgo

23 August – 22 September

Logical, bureaucratic, anal, and a lover of order, you would have made an excellent clerk in the KGB. The unfortunate Salem “witches” of the 1600s were burned at the stake based upon the testimony of Virgo snithches (who also lit the fires). Your distaste for disorder makes you an unconscionable nit-picker, a trait that is sickening to your family and the few friends who can stomach you. Virgos make excellent prison guards, and the most talented Virgos end up as bus drivers. Male Virgos are unemotional and cold, and often fall asleep during sex. Female Virgos are either frigid or uncontrollable sex addicts. There is an 80% chance that a late-night phone call this week from a former love is a mis- (or drunk) dial.

Libra

23 September – 23 October

There’s a reason why no Libra has ever risen higher than Undersecretary of Agriculture for Fertilizer Exports. Many people believe you are the artistic type, but the truth is you are just &*$%ing weird. Female Libras make great prostitutes, and are often “kept” by short, bald, poorly-hung Aries men. More than half of Libra males have STDs. A pack rat, you have accumulated all manner of crap which your spouse plans to throw out the next time you pass out drunk. This may be the month you cut loose and finally realize that dream of becoming a nude model for Internet masturbation sites.

Scorpio

24 October – 21 November

Like most Scorpios, you are a cheat, even when there’s nothing to be gained by it. In every war since the Bronze Age, the majority of draft-dodgers have been Scorpios. Still, you are very likely to achieve the heights of success, largely because you are unhindered by moral or ethical constraints of any kind. The quickest way to end most criminal activity in the U.S. would be to deport all the Scorps. Young Scorpios can gain valuable training and experience for later life by apprenticing in gambling dens, carnival sideshows or massage parlors. If you weren’t beaten regularly as a child, you certainly should be as an adult. The socialization of Scorpios was the inspiration for such inventions as pepper spray, mace and the Taser.

Sagittarius

22 November – 21 December

Sagittarians who engage in bizarre sexual practices (basically, all of them) often do so to compensate for poor toilet training in childhood (while incorporating those same bad techniques into their kinky adult crap). Most Sags are drug addicts, drunks, or both. All that time spent watching HBO On-Demand might be better used working on your hygiene problem. When you’re not masturbating in a bathtub filled with ice cubes and yogurt, you are clipping coupons from the Pennysaver, or watching the second season of “The Iron Chef.” You consider yourself a staunch “Nixon man,” and are notorious for screwing up the punch lines to jokes. Intolerant of all but your own narrow viewpoint, you never miss an opportunity to turn even your most ardent admirers against you. You are the type to smuggle Robitussin into an A.A. meeting and sell little cups of it to the attendees from the men’s room stall.

Capricorn

22 December – 19 January

How can you tell a Capricorn from a Secret Service agent? The Capricorn is the stiff-looking one. A born-dullard, you should avoid standing too long in one place, as you are likely to take root and become a tree. Ultra-reactionary and terrified of taking risks, you act-out your sexual frustrations with unsuspecting insects and G.I. Joe dolls in their original packaging. Because there has never been a Capricorn of any real importance, the only way you’ll ever make the papers is as the victim of a kidnapping or an airplane crash. High colonic irrigation might not help your lame disposition, but it could definitely help introduce you to a better class of people.

Aquarius

20 January – 18 February

Possessing an inventive mind, you have an inclination towards progressive thinking, and favor such innovative ideas as euthanasia and mandatory sterilization for anyone under four feet eleven. You also lie a great deal of the time, even when the truth would serve you better. You are inclined to be careless and impractical, and are known to make the same &*$% ups over and over. Most of your friends think you’re stupid. Aquarians like to think they are the heralds of a New Age; if they are, in fact, the children of a New Age, maybe we should all support mandatory sterilization and euthanasia.

Pisces

19 February – 20 March

A disproportionate number of Pisces are exhibitionists and snuff-film pornographers. You are likely to have a secret stash of chotchkies (Bic lighters, key chains, hookahs, ashtrays, oil lamps, whatev) that you’ve stolen from restaurants and bars around town. While you spend way too much time daydreaming about your made-up fantasy life as a political assassin (The Bourne-Loser Identity, perhaps?), at least it’s time spent with your fingers away from your nose. Pisces have been on the wrong side of every major issue in history (Slavery, Women’s Suffrage, the cure for Polio). Although Saddam Hussein wasn’t a Pisces, the guy who ran into 7-11 to get him his Marlboros was.