Fork in the left. Knife in the right.

Fork in the right. Knife in the left.

Beer in the left. Schnitzel in the right.

Schnitzel in the left. Schnitzel in the right.

Beer in the left. Beer in the left. Beer in the left. Beer in the-

Did you know that it is customarily Bavarian throughout the entire course of plated food at the German dinner table, to occupy the left hand with the fork and the right hand with the knife – breaking the nuptial of utensil and fist only here to for quench one’s thirst, or wipe one’s schnitzelly mouth…

Did you know that?

An alternative course of etiquette may be observed throughout traditional America. Stateside, it is customary to control the food with the fork in the left hand, while cutting single bites with the knife in the right. Once a single portion has been precisely disembodied from the serving, one is then to place the knife upon the far rim of the dinner plate, interchange the fork into the right hand, and proceed to feed oneself the aforementioned singular bite. When another bite is desired, the fork is interchanged to the left hand, the knife is grasped from the far plate rim in the right hand, and the dance continues.

Which makes more sense here?? Do I want to juggle cutlery back and forth, yearning for each bite? Do I leave myself dumbfounded, intentionally unable to fulfill my desperate hunger out of respect for traditional utensil dexterity? Hasn’t my once piping hot serving now become but a tepid memory to grind my way through?

We’re all in agreement, the Bavarian approach satisfies our endless American hunger! Give me a fork in one hand, a knife in the other, and the wherewithal to mow through my mountain of brats, schnitzels, and kraut without restraint.