Kate Gosselin just released that her custody battle is over and now her eight little rug-rats can go on about their normal lives…Aww, that’s special.. You know what else is special? These pics of her on the beach and coming from the gym. I can’t for the life of me understand what Jon was thinking when he broke up with this girl. Her body is made of elastic or something. Kate, was your older brother named Stretch Armstrong by chance? I mean, holy shit, I’m a sick bastard and I’ve dated prego’s and MILF’s, but Ive never seen a body like that on any of them…Just give me some Extenze, double wrapped Trojans, a couple rubber band’s and we’re good to go…

"I swear, I only drink when I'm upset to calm me down...."

I tell you what…You can take all the gossip, all the TMZ and all the Dancing With the Stars drama right to the bank sister…I had money on you the whole time. As a matter of fact, I’ve got money on your whole next three years starting right after you make a comeback on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. My predictions for your ultimate comeback from the D.W.T.S failure last night.

  1. You give the kids to Jon for his weekend visit and swing by East LA to score some crack, which you smoke in your wine cellar for three days while chugging Pinot Grigio and fist pumping to Prince’s New Power Generation.
  2. One week later your agent discovers you cracked-out in hot-pink lipstick, completely nude, wrapped in cellophane and clinging to a fake palm tree in your foyer. She immediately calls Dr. Drew.
  3. Upon acceptance into the 4th season of Celebrity Rehab, you meet Dr. Drew and make quick friends with Tom Sizemore. He tells you all about how to act like a junky, gain the attention of your audience and constantly throw adult temper tantrums known in the house as, “Grown-up, blow-ups.”
  4. You make it through the show being known throughout as “Kate the Great,” while you miraculously bounce back from your addiction to Oxy-Contin and cutting your inner thighs and forearms. You are paid 22K per episode and come out shining like new state quarter.
  5. Once back with your agent, NBC offers you a three year 22 million dollar deal to artificially inseminate yourself with 6 human embryos and and 1 embryo from a farm animal. Only you don’t know what farm animal it is, and the world won’t know either, until you give birth which makes the whole show suspenseful and allows you to get paid.
  6. Your agent decides that this would be too painful, against your religious views and that you will have to foster and raise what ever comes out with chances favoring a small baby hippopotamus.
  7. Jon calls and decides that he still loves you, but you have no time for him now since signing with Playboy to do a centerfold shoot with you and your kids at six flags.
  8. The centerfold is a huge hit and you land major endorsement deals, book signings, day-time guest appearances and are asked to be the official spokeswoman for YAZ, the birth control pill. You accept.
  9. For the next year you tour local middle schools teaching about the effects of raising a family while emasculating your husband. As a retort you also preach how to completely ruin everyone’s life to get ahead; a trait you think the youth of today will need since in your world people talk on cell phones and eat on sidewalk cafe’s all day. You make $624 per appearance, but it’s worth it because now there is a much greater chance that women will grow up just like you and you feel liberated.
  10. After your long journey from D.W.T.S to educating our country’s youth, you make an estimated 23 million dollars. Your kids are in the fifth grade and doing well, except for little Collin Thomas who tried to set the girls bathroom on fire because he wasn’t accepted by the other boys. You settle down in a small rural town in central Montana where you will write your book titled, “My Struggle, the story of Kate Gosselin.” You make enough to retire and pay for a fake death certificate so you can hide out and fulfill your true dream of building your own log cabin and living alone like Henry David Thoreau in “Walden.”

Seriously though, Chronic readers, I’d still hit it……..

pr ma