Don’t get it twisted, if you’re above the age of 10 and you drink out of a water fountain, you are fucking disgusting. You’re an animal drinking out of a trough. Like “MMM, tepid bath water with a hint of copper and a twist of rust. Delicious!” I don’t know which one is worse, a portable makeshift water fountain sink in the middle of Federal St. hooked up with hoses and the sewer, or the water fountains at South Station. South Station is like 850 years old. About a billion people go through that place every day. Every bum, every snot nose kid, every person with horrendously low standards who gets the slightest bit parched sucks on those water faucets. And you’re so thirsty on your way to catch the 5:59 express on Track 21 that you stop off and drink from the same slop bucket as those other creatures? Gross.

But again, this is all when you’re an adult. When you’re a kid water fountains are the fuckin’ shit. Every school has that one water fountain with tremendous power and freezing cold water. It was like a babbling brook of pure water from the mountains. That shit could be on the opposite side of the whole building and I’d go all the way over just to get a taste of that high quality H20. Walk to the ends of the earth to avoid that one water fountain that dribbles out piss warm water.

And I won’t lie, I was definitely that kid who straight up inhaled water from the spout. I’d come up for air and kids would be like “ewwww! The Chef was sucking on the water fountain!” And I’d be like “you’re motherfuckin’ right I did. Not my problem. Enjoy my sloppy seconds on the water fountain, bitches!