You know when you’re in the basement, like, concurrently halfway through cases of both room temp Mt. Dew’s and surface-cooled Miller High Life’s from the mini fridge, and your Friday night is just humming… and you’re sizing up your buddy’s lip-rug as you bristle your own pubescenty plugs up into a hat for your fuzzy duck mouth… You’re other pal hammer-punches his thumbs into the touch screen, emoji-chatting wizard icons back and forth with your other buddy who’s trying to cash out his customer-service drawer at Star Market, and hustle over if his Dad can drop him off. The Miller High Lifes set the tone. The tepid Mt. Dews blow the god damn doors off… One of you snags the triangle rack, and starts to spin in it on around his finger. He saunters alongside the dusty pool table whistling the “T.J. Maxx” theme song. Another spins the pool cue down the felt, followed by a rainbow stampede of billiard balls – bludgeoning their way to the far rail, and the awaiting rack.

“rrrrrrrrrrrrack ’emmm,” you slur in slow motion.

Snap-snap! Snap-snap! And the “cue boxes” spring open successionally.

Pop! Pop! Pop! And the High Life’s are foaming up our lip-hampsters.

What’s that?! No way, you blurt out. Did Jaime just whip out a Meucci custom?

Oh heavens, is that a Pechauer Camelot that Bradley’s screwing together?!

And then all hell breaks loose… in walks Tommy with a grocery bag full of gummy worms and Busch Lights. The lighting’s spotty by the bulkhead, but you can make out his green Star Market smock he’s still go on under his wind-breaker. There’s something else too… something… strapped to his back. The light bulbs flicker. Tommy slurps a gummy worm down as he prods into the full light of the overhead billiard lamp. He slides a large, padded rectangular case off his back, and rests it on the head bumper opposite the rack. He wrestles out of his jacket, and flips one of the latches “crack”. He flips the other “crack”. Hidden behind the open case, Tommy starts to assemble what will emphatically end the game before the rack is ever broken.

Star Market Tommy takes a deep breath. He glances up around the room at his teetering cronies…. and he pulls out… THE INTIMIDATOR MASTERPIECE! It’s a pool cue. And it’s a medieval battle axe.

   

 

… the Intimidator Pool Cue sold recently for around $150,000