Pisces (Feb 23-Mar 20)- Always quick to move with an impatient edge, Pisces, your tendency to make rash decisions has cost you precious hard-earned money and frustrated those around you.  Some projects require finesse and patience, Pisces.  Take your time, don’t be in such a hurry all the time to make things happens.  Things are happening–you fish just don’t like to sit still long enough, always afraid of being caught up in someone’s net and so you miss the beauty of watching a well-executed plan come together, pissing people off in the process and making life harder on everyone.  Knock it off, or someone will be frying your ass up for dinner.

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 22): With your insistent “Ready, Fire, Aim” approach to life, its possible that you’ve steam-rolled right over an important opportunity or relationship in your big hurry to ‘get there’., blasting away before you’ve even focused in on what you’re driving at. This month, go back and take a close look at the things you started, sort out what is worth keeping and work on making it right.  Discard the rest and let it go, besides, you have another whole month ahead of you in which to start things you won’t finish so you’ll have plenty to do next month too.

Taurus: (Apr 23-May 22) The future is shaping up to hold some exciting things for you this month Taurus and some of your discarded dreams may gain new life.  Typically people find you to be stubborn and oh-so-bullheaded but this month the stars are spotlighting  a softer side in which you are actually thinking of others instead of yourself.  Career and romance may be taking you on a journey, relocating you to more successful environs, prying you out of the rut you’ve been in since the beginning of the year.  Sometimes, Earth-child, you need to make a move in the right direction by actually moving in the right direction instead of being a stick-in-the-mud.

Gemini (May 23-Jun 22) Your lofty duality is often misunderstood and people tend to mistrust you for being ‘two-faced’.  Mostly, you are but in some cases, it’s just that you have a sharp mind and can grasp both sides of an issue and possess the uncanny ability to discuss it without taking sides. For the most part this seems great but the people in your life would really appreciate it if you  just made a damned decision already and stop dreamily contemplating every angle of every single thing.  It’s highly annoying and makes you seem like a pussy, a two-faced pussy.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 22)  Cancer, nothing has changed much for you this month.  You’re still wishy-washy and hiding from your problems, tucked tightly in your little crab-shell.  Well, you’ve made a mess of your life and it’s starting to stink like the back bay.  Not to mention, you’ve become lazy and now you’re out of shape, too so it’s getting harder to cram yourself safely in your shell.  Time to stop moping, snap out of it, learn to deal already and stop making the same mistakes over and over.  I mean, how many times do you think people are going to forgive you for the same stupid sh*t? You’re really not that cute…now quit whining, get to the gym and try to be a better person this month.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)  You consider yourself to be a born leader; Lion, king of the jungle and all, but this is simply a cover.  Underneath all that mane of hair and loud roar you’re mostly just a little sissy who can’t take any criticism.  Financially, your arrogance has caused some trouble for you and if you would stop wasting time making excuses and pointing the finger, you might be able to turn it around this month with some new investments or a even a little trip to the casino.  Don’t gamble too, much though, lest your arrogance get the best of you and you lose everything.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) It could be that your logical mind is throwing  a wrench into advancing to the next level in an important relationship.  Your penchant for strictly black & white analysis of, well, everything, makes you seem cold and unfeeling to those around you.  Loosen up and open your mind, Virgo or you’ll end up alone, rocking in the corner snuggling with statistics and data and never realizing your full emotional potential.  You’ll end up an unemotional shell, someone who on their deathbed croaks “If I’d only had a heart.”

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) You take a lot of heat for what others call ‘living in a dream world’.  Well, this month, Libra, you can tell all those naysayers to shove it because your dreams are becoming a reality.  Now is the time to merge the heights of your dreams with the here and now to make some real progress in your life.  It’s all happening…just like you didn’t plan.  Keep dreaming but keep one foot on the ground or watch it all go up in smoke…and not the good kind.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22) If you’d drop your God-complex, Scorpio, and realize that people will never be perfect you might just be able to realize how good your life really is.  The impossible standards you want to hold everyone to only makes them want to choke the life out of you, and rightfully so.  Your feelings are powerful and mostly scare the sh*t out of even you, so take it easy on everyone for a change.  Tuck that old quick-to-strike Scorpio stinger between your legs and let your heart lead instead.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 22) Your optimism will pay off despite the gloom currently surrounding you if you only hang in there, Sag.  You’ve worked hard to get to where you and deserve a lot of credit that you haven’t been getting and have become disheartened and sunk into self-destruction.  Take your face out of that beer mug…I don’t care if they are 3-4-1, dust yourself off and keep looking to the sunny side before life really does become the hell you fear.

Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 22) Are you really going to just sit there and let everyone think you’re nothing but a chickensh*t?  Stand up for yourself for once and stop whining.  With just a little backbone, you can make some dynamic changes to an otherwise lousy year so far.  It doesn’t mean you have to bitch-slap your way into getting somewhere but at least stop taking unnecessary abuse, especially from those in authority.  Speaking your mind may shock a lot of people who are used to walking all over you but once you stop being a doormat, you will earn some much-deserved respect.

Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22) Believing in yourself is sometimes all you have, Aquarius, especially when you lie as much as you do.  The few people who are still your friend despite this have accepted that sometimes you just have a hard time dealing with reality and so fabricate one that suits your fragile mind so you can cope.  The pressures you’ve been under lately are lightening up, so you can breathe a sigh of relief for now.  Rather than lying your way into a rosy outlook, try an honest approach and you might actually get somewhere.