Lindsay Lohan making white trash hot since 86

God, I’ve been trying to ignore this story for like a week and a half, but now it’s gotten too big and I have to write about it. Lindsay Lohan is in the news again, and guess what? It’s more daddy issues. Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s father, called a press conference last week and begged for his daughter to enter rehab. According to Michael, Lindsay needs to go back into detox for prescription drugs; in fact he demands it. After insisting that his daughter go to rehab on national TV, Michael went on to send a message to her enablers telling them to “get the hell out of the way.” Michael Lohan wants his daughter to enter rehab in Long Island, far, far away from the Hollywood lights. He went on to say that his great fear was that his daughter would end up like Brittany Murphy or DJ AM. This all comes after a TMZ story was released saying that Lindsay was about to die. In the post it said that they (TMZ) had been contacted by one of Lindsay’s friends and the source said that they have been trying to convince Lindsay to re-enter rehab, but she keeps making excuses for her drugged out behavior. The source was quoted as saying if Lohan “doesn’t get help soon, she’s going to die.” This obviously sent the whole world in lockdown-save-Lindsay-Lohan mode. Her father even made an appearance on The Morning Show beggin’ for his daughter to get help. To which I say…just die already Lindsay Lohan. I don’t even know one freaking movie you were in. I have no idea why you’re famous. Not to mention I’m sick of your stupid family. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but at this point, you’re guilty by association. Moms is out there hoe’n’ it up like she’s some famous damned Granny struttin’ her camel on the red carpet. Your father smashed a car into a telephone pole while wasted, and now he wants to lecture you about sobriety. How did you people become America’s adopted white trash family anyway? Isn’t it time the Lohans got out of the movies and onto Jerry Springer??? – Kid Chronic