Gemini (May 23-Jun 22)

Happy Birthday, Gems!

The New Moon will be revving up your desire for a ‘new start’ this month, Gemini and this can’t be bad for you since you’ve been doing the same sh*t the same way for too long now. More than just a new style, you’ll need to break out a whole new personality because people these days find you to be tedious and unimaginative. Stop relying on your natural evasiveness to give others the impression that you are living some interesting secret life and actually, uh, go out and get one!

Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23) – If you’ve been a lazy-ass this month, you’d better peel yourself off the recliner and put down that bag of Doritos because the emphasis this month is all on your career. The ‘Powers That Be’ are watching you closely so before you go demanding a raise or that big promotion, make sure you have your sh*t together because you won’t be able to manipulate your way into what you want this time. If you’ve been a good little Crab, fine-tune your work and the tides will be washing up fat sacks of cash soon.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23) – Is it Leo The Lion or Leo The Pussy (cat)? Your constant need for attention and attempts to upstage anyone who you think is getting more recognition equates to an annoying 4-year-old shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” Contrary to your self-centered point of view, it isn’t all about you all of the time so stop sulking, you sour little kitty-others have done plenty to deserve praise and attention! Travel beckons, so exit stage left from the show that you aren’t the star of at the moment, pack up the car and spend some quality time on a little summer road trip with your favorite person: you!

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23) – Listen Virgo, aren’t you tired of being labeled as emotionally cold and unromantic? For a summer with sizzle, abandon your analyst persona and become a thrill-seeking risk taker. Let loose and gamble for once on a love-at-first-sight romp, and shake off the methodical doldrums of winter in which you cloak yourself. For being the eternal realist of the Zodiac, you sure are out of touch. The reality is everyone is doing it like bunnies by the time you warm up to telling someone your last name or revealing where you work. Playing it safe is smart, yes, but never taking a chance is a boring way to go through life…how do you expect to reach your O, Virg, if you don’t take a walk down Risque Lane once in awhile?

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 22) – Libras, it’s time for a little one-on-one this summer. Almighty Jupiter makes its way into Aries and sets your love life ablaze like a match put to a stream of lighter fluid, marking a trail that will burn for the rest of the year. Get all your cool and comfortable finery ready for a steamy summer, and a string of admirers will surely find their way to you. Don’t let a recent disappointment get you down; some lovers come and go and other lovers come and come, so be ready for anything.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22) – A little change of scenery might do you some good this month, Scorpio. A new hang-out and new people are just what you need to get noticed and break you out of that lonely funk. The lunar eclipse late this month will give you a little wanderlust, and you’ve been killing it at work lately so your pockets are about to plump up. Take advantage of the bonus dough and give yourself and your strict self-discipline a much needed break. Be careful not to play puppet-master to the people you meet until you know them better or your good time will quickly go south, and not for any summa-time road head.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 22) – You’re in for the financial battle of your life this month, Sag. Lucky for you, your plans for a new career have been taking shape since winter, so don’t despair. A budget will help but you can start by not writing checks your ass can’t cash. You have a knack for being in the right place at the right time and finding opportunities that others miss, so you are likely to come into contact with the right people. Remember, it’s okay to talk about who you meet, but don’t brag about it; name-dropping makes you seem like a desperate groupie basking in someone elses limelight. Instead, have your lime with a Corona Light, but find a happy hour until your cash starts flowing again.

Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 20) – Hopefully you hibernated this winter so you’ll be nice and rested for the whirlwind month coming your way. Your rigid attitude is in for a thrashing when you are forced to deal with all sorts of unpredictable circumstances, and even though this shake-up is likely to bring a great deal of good to your door, you struggle with not being able to control it all. This will be a good lesson that will help you realize that sooner or later, the craziness of life can turn even the most sure-footed person into a frothing lunatic. Stop caring so much about appearances, and temper that ruthless fanaticism with a dose of humanity that nobody can escape, Capricorn, not even stubborn, goat-headed you.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 20) – You finally meet a person who can grasp the cerebral worlds you love to tramp in who will challenge your ideas and understand your need for personal space and individuality, and you tuck tail and run? WTF, Aquarius? You often have a hard time putting a finger on your emotions and choose to keep them buried. You don’t like secrets so it’s rather unfair to keep someone in the dark. Just because somebody is eager to continue the great conversation you started is no reason to fall off the face of the earth. You are typically a much better communicator than this and it’s okay to say what is on your mind. Don’t invent imaginary expectations to rationalize your abrupt departure. Talk about it, and you may just be suprised to find that what you are running from is actually a safe place where you can truly be yourself. Sometimes good things happen over time, and sometimes great things happen all at once. Man up and finish what you started, whether it actually means the end or a new beginning!

Pisces (Feb 21-Mar 21) – Your friends show themselves in true colors, helping you weed out the riff-raff. This is great because you’ll know who you can count on, and if you should need to call for help, the true-blues will be there in a snap. Resist the urge to celebrate with your comrades too much this month though, as Jupiter jumps into your money house and can lead you to excessive spending. If you can keep it in check this month and focus on the simple pleasures, you’ll be right where you want to be before you can say American Express.

Aries (Mar 22-Apr 21) – For you Rams, it’s like Jupiter took an Extenze and now everything is bigger and better than ever. Usually you go too far with your ‘larger than life’ attitude and need to tone your fury down a bit, but not this month! Kick up your heels and make this largesse your bitch! Full throttle is the only way you should roll in June, so rev it up and take it to the limit before the feeling wears off…it’s going to be one crazy ride.

Taurus (Apr 22-May 22) – Taurus, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! You have become such a homebody-freak that children are telling stories about the hermit who lives in your house and daring each other to walk by it on the way home from school. It would be one thing if you were relaxing and enjoying things while in the comfort of your casa, but this has not been the case for you in some time. You need an adventure, you need some sun and you need it, like, yesterday! Show your face to this big wide world before you shrivel up. It’s a widely known fact throughout history that hermits don’t get laid, so snap out of it and go get some (and don’t scare the children on your way out!)