TAMPA — Something wasn’t right about Chad Jordan. He was perfectly nice at youth football practice, his coach said. He never made any trouble. But still, “There just was a lot of stuff that wasn’t adding up, you know?” said Ray McCloud, coach of the Town ‘N Country Packers. McCloud’s instincts were right. Julious Javone Threatts is 21 years old. He’s now behind bars without bail after Hillsborough County sheriff’s deputies said he used the alias Chad Jordan to pose as a 14-year-old boy, join the Tampa Bay Youth Football League and try to register at a Tampa middle school. Threatts was on probation for burglary charges, authorities later determined. “He really acted like a kid,” McCloud said. “My son is 13, and my son was hanging out with him, and (Threatts) acted more immature than (my son).” It’s unclear how long Threatts pretended to be a teenager or why he did it.

I’ll tell ya why he did it. He wanted to play football and do hood rat things. Ahh, just like young Latarian Milton who wanted to be older and steal a car, this guy wants to be younger and steal the Pee Wee league trophies from 14 year olds. I don’t suspect Threatts is emotionally disturbed or anything; it’s not like he was trying to date a 14 year old and also make it to the Pop Warner hall of fame, was he?

I mean, you be the judge here. “Age does not protect you from love?” What the hell? Is that your excuse for saying that age holds no water because you are in love? Or is it that you don’t understand the concept of statutory rape? “Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love?” HAH! I love this one. It must mean, just becuase you are older and gravity is waining down on you that it’s okay to fuck middle schoolers? Wow. Damn right they caught you in the nick of time. First you were gonna rush for 2700 yards in one season, then you were going straight to getting the most V-Cards by a 7th grader in history…But, I could be wrong. After reading your Facebook posts, it was easy to tell by your grammar that you are still at an interdisciplinary education level. You just wanted to play football, right?

Hmm, adolescent behavior, perhaps. But how did you get such pertient information on Michelle and Barack? This is information people pay big money for. You’re 14, you have a Droid. Did you get video? Did you Twitter it? Damn son, let me hold dat. Or wait, nevermind. I’m more interested in some video of the girls bowling and seeing dem buss dey ass. Perhaps, maybe if you cant get that, you can get me some video of the 40 year old girls out at the night clubs. You should know a thing or two about being in the wrong place. It’s #notagoodlook.

Man, how did you let this happen? You had a great story about being homeless; you forged a birth certificate; you changed your name; you looked like a very over-sized pubescent. How? How could this have happened to you? How did you mamage to get caught?

Oh. Nevermind. I figured it out.

But, anyway. Now that we know you are the stupidest criminal on the planet, please, tell us what you really had planned to do with your new life as a teenager? Just living it up, huh? Blending right in. Using all the social networks…Twitter, Facebook, Youtube. Oh, I see. I found your Youtube..

So you like Romeo and Juliet, eh? Isn’t Romeo like 5 years older than the 13 year old Juliette? Hmmm? And again with the Julian Po reference. Christian Slater stars in that, correct? Yeah? Guess what? He is 15 years older than the girl in that movie, and they both commit suicide. Hmmm. I think we are missing something here, Chad. What are you really trying to say?

I think I see what is going on here. I’ve watched enough of the “First 48” to see when a black dude is lying through his teeth. Football aside, you wanted to find a young girl and play out some True Romance shit and then have a double suicide didn’t you? I see where this is going and where it could have gone. You used the football story to hide the truth. You can’t kid a kidder, pal. I’m on you like flies on shit. Do I look like a turnip that just fell off the turnip truck? Next time you should try giving a fuck…

You don’t have to come and confess, were looking for you….. We gone find you, we gone find you…………

Cue the Bed Intruder song…