The bar fights, cat fights, regular fights, sex, steroids, drugs, house music and self tanning. Oh, and the fist pumping. If The Jersey Shore was a cookie, the above would be the recipe for delicious disaster.  Yet, the show is the all-time highest ranking show in MTV’s history,  but did you ever stop to think it’s because they are the ALL TIME BIGGEST TRAIN WRECKS in MTV’s history?

Of course you’re going to watch a bunch of multi color whores who can’t pronounce the word “orange” properly but resemble the color perfectly.
America is literally eating this shit up. I gotta admit, I thought all this Jersey Shore crap would be over last year. Swept under the rhinestone rug and forgotten.

 Right?  Wrong!


It has grown into some giant fist pumping, streaky tanned, over sexed, over jeweled antichrist of a phenomenon.

Everywhere I look in South Beach (my beloved backyard) are giant roided out freaks with bedazzled shirts.  First off, I have a tiny problem with men who wear diamonds of any sort on your t-shirt.  If you are bedazzling your attire, you’re clearly barking up the wrong tree hitting on me. 

 (Don’t front, I have the best *gaydar* in history.  I called out a kid in 5th grade, and I was right!)

Liberace bedazzled his shirts too.

Not like my opinion is the all-and-mighty, because most people would admit in a second that they are Jersey Shore addicts.  So what is it about these screwed up kids that we as an American society love so much?  Is it the fact that their lives are devoid of any responsiblity whatsoever?  That their only chore in life is to party, do drugs, fist pump and fuck everything in sight?  (If I had a pencil sharpener with a pulse, I’d have to hide it from those guys).  Or is the perfect [male] bodies on the show?  

Whatever it is, I have put together a guido check list.
If you follow this, it has a 65% chance of dinner acceptance and a 85% chance of a break out.

1.) Self Tanner

Somewhere along this shade is purrrrfect.

2.) Hair Gel Blow Out

The hair of an angel…

3.) Obnoxious Bling

Would you like to come home meet my mother, young lady?

4.) The Open Shirt

Get full effect while standing in front of a household fan on the “high” setting.

5.) A Rosary

Jesus died for our sins!  Everybody drink!!!!

ma