SEX. It’s why we do all that hard work in the first place, isn’t it? To get our rocks off and bask in the chemical rush that comes post-coitus? But when the erections disappear and our Neanderthal brains stop screaming “must have sex now,” we realize that we’re just… naked.

I know what you are thinking fellas.. You don’t really like doing anything after sex. Sometimes you wish she would just leave.  It’s awkward, you want to do your own thing, you don’t want to be an asshole.  It’s a tough world.  Fortunately, here is my handy guide for any situation that may arise after doing the nasty.

Clean up: Albeit not the most romantic thing, the post-sex cleanup is definitely a must. I usually look for her shirt, not mine.  The way I see it, I don’t want my chick getting hit on during the walk of shame. So like any territorial animal, I mark my property by cleaning up with her shirt.

Eat: Hey, you worked hard! I’m sure you are hungry. Why not have her make you a sandwich. Plates are in the cupboard, cold cuts are in the crisper.

Go out: There’s nothing better than that post-sex glow.  I love the feeling of going out after hooking up. It’s even better when you can get shit faced, stupid drunk, because hey you already hit it earlier on in the night.

Watch a movie: OK, so maybe there is one thing better than going out after sex. Watching a movie. I like romance movies while I cuddle up next to my baby. One of my favorites is Scarface. A true romantic drama about a man with a steady job chasing the girl of his dreams.  Also, I like any of the Die Hard movies after getting my dick wrecked.  It is filled with non-violent, romantic, hero scenes that show her I am in touch with my feminine side as well.

Pillow talk: I heard somewhere that a man is most like himself right after sex. While I don’t know if that’s true, I do know that some of the best relationship-deepening conversations I’ve had, happened while in bed. For instance, bring up how cute she looked on her knees 20 minutes after you met. Chicks love stories about your first date.  Or, you can bring up family discussion. Tell her how pretty her mom is and how you feel so comfortable drinking beers with her younger sister.  She will love it. Try it.

Smoke: I love to have a cig after sex.  Sometimes I light up just before I finish. I find it more relaxing to have one pre-lit so you can get the optimum rush of nicotine, post coitus.

Go to sleep: I’m not really a fan of this one. I met this chick at the bar, took her home.  After sex, I fell asleep and when I woke she was gone.  I figured she got bored.  Anyways, she texted me to make sure I was up. The text read, “Are you awake yet? I need you to come un-tie me from your mothers bed.” We didnt really see each other again.  Thats why I never fall asleep after sex.