The Chef is a man of many jobs. Some would say, a dignified entrepenuer. Some would say, a bum. I prefer to be thought of as, indecisive. With such a wide variety of jobs in the market, I could never make up my mind. I have quit some jobs by walking off, some by calling in, and some by telling off the boss. But never have I done it the way I really want to..
Ever since Steven Slater told off the passengers over the loud speaker, grabbed two cold Blue Moons and shot on down the emergency shoot of that Jet Blue plane, I have been curious as to just what other kinds of mayhem you can get into while turning in your formal.. Well, I mean, un-formal resignation… Here is a list of jobs that suck, and how I would like to quit or get fired from them.
- Car Salesman – Take a customer out to test drive the car. Tell him you are thirsty. Have him stop at a bar and proceed to do 8 Irish car bombs in a row, then tell him to hand over the keys.
- Stripper – Walk around the Stag slapping men and telling them they can’t see shit till they pay the bank. Act like you are just teasing and flirt really heavy. When you finally have a shit load of money from them, make yourself a plate of food from the buffet, grab your crotch and say, “Have fun on the honeymoon sucker.”
- Golf Course Pro – Take out a member’s wife to tighten up her putting. Use only sexual gestures and innuendos to describe getting the ball in the cup. For example, ” Grip it softly and stroke it smooth and you’ll sink it right in the hole.” When she says she is disgraced by your demenor, tell her that you don’t know what she is talking about. Totally play it off like she is a pervert. Keep up the act until she finally decides to leave. Then at the top of your lounges say, “Thanks for stoking balls with me today Mrs. Micheals!”
- Airline Pilot – Get on the P.A system and tell the passengers you have to make an emergency pit stop in Mexico to refuel. Then proceed to talk as if the P.A is turned off and whisper, “Pablo will give us $10,000 per head.”
- Math Teacher – Walk into third period Math class completely shit faced drunk. Grab the chalk and write, Cultural Anthropology, Mr. Baker on the board. If any of the kids get loud, take out your flask, take a swig and tell them to leave the room. Continue to lecture the class on the importance of allowing minorities to work in factories for minimum wage and the effects that politics plays in the segregation of the White race. Then start walking around the class like the 3rd Reich and spew puke while saying, “Hail Hitler.”
- Astronaut – Tell mission command you missed your exit and just keep flying as far as you can.
- Plumber – In the morning before your last day, wear a thong under your work jeans. When asked to fix something, get on your knees and reach as far under the sink as you can exposing your man crack and thong. Start singing something by Justin Beiber and start talking about your last customers children like you are a pedophile. Walk over to the fridge, grab something from a squirt bottle and lace the kitchen walls like you were ejaculating.
- Babysitter – Right before the parents get home, spread fake blood all through the foyer and up the stairway. When the mother starts screaming, run out of the closet straight out the front door crying, “Run for your life, there’s a bear upstairs!”
- Auto Technician – Put the car up on the lift. Perform the maintenance. When the boss comes by to inspect your work, drop the car get into it and tell him you are going to the strip club for lunch. Ask him if he wants a sandwich from McDonald’s.
- Barber – If you have a new customer, cut their hair all the while talking about your uncle Frankie. Mention his name like 30 times. When it comes time to shave the back of his neck, tell him if he talks to the cops ever again, Uncle Frankie is gonna pay him a visit… When the customer says, “I never talked to anyone. What are you talking about?” Go over to the window, pull the shade and walk out locking the door behind you.
- Funeral Director- Hide in a coffin during a closed casket funeral service. When the priest says the prayer, open the casket, rise up and start singing Amazing Grace at the top of your lungs. Grab the priest by the cheeks and kiss him square on the lips and walk out.
- Fast Food Cashier – When the food is on the tray and ready for the customer, start eating it right in front of them. Ask them to pass you a straw from the service counter behind them. When they look stunned, start singing the National Anthem while you strip down to your underwear. Then re-enact the scene from Half Baked. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You’re cool. Fuck you. Peace, I’m out.
- Real Estate Agent – Hang a bunch of high quality stuffed animal dogs and cat’s in the basement. When it is time to show the clients their new home, warn them that the old owner loved animals and there might be a slight odor in the cellar. Lead them to the basement and tell them, the light switch is at the bottom of the stairs. When they flip the lights and start screaming, slam the door behind them and set off the emergency house alarm.