Fingers, do your stuff

Fingers, do your stuff

The Chef Recently, I have become an avid reader of the W4M (“Women-for-Men”) forum on Craigslist.com. Summing up my abilities to get a chick in real life would best be described as non-existent. There are challenges: I work all the time. I get out of work at 1 a.m., when last call is usually being served. And I have trouble with commitment. Therefore,  in the social segregation that exists in the dating world, I am one-night-stand material. I take comfort in knowing others out there have many of the same issues. On the other hand, it’s fair to say that in the online world of Internet dating (or, if you prefer, “hooking up”), some people are way too picky in the criteria they post, and so, ironically, most likely will end up just as lonely as the rest of us. Here are some fictional responses to some of the more finicky postings I’ve seen. I think some of these would add a note of ‘realism’ to an otherwise unrealistic world of expectations. I call this Ode to the Destined to Be Single Forever. “Seeking a man who’s at least 6 feet tall. I like to wear high heels.” Damn, I’m totally boned here. I’m only 5’9″ or maybe 5’9-and-a-1/2″, which I guess would place me somewhere between midget and elf, and therefore undatable (even though the average American male is 5’10”). And 6 feet tall? What kind of shoes are you wearing anyway? Some crap from the Space Program? Next. “Must love animals.” Great. You mean I have to pretend to like your annoying poodle/chihuahua/Norwegian rat mixed-breed long enough to maybe steal some kisses? Or that huge mastiff that’s physically capable of kicking me out of your bed? How about the cat? She’s contemplating using my family jewels as a scratching post every time I walk around in my boxers. I think I’ll exit stage right before the little $%@# eats my socks again. “Looking for a God-fearing man.” I get the biggest kick out of this one. Why would you be afraid of your own imaginary friend? Seems like you’d better imagine something a little less hostile. (I’d suggest Papa Smurf.) “Must like the outdoors.” Barring a select few dweebs I’ve met who live in their parents’ basements and mainline Mountain Dew so they can play World of Warcraft for 87-hours straight, most human beings like being outside at least some of the time. Sure, I’ll go for a day hike with you. Does that mean I want to live in the woods for a month and wipe myself with a pine cone? No thanks. Next. “Looking for friends first.” Cool, I’m always down for more friends. Wait, what’s that you say? Your hot friend Brittany is single? Excuse me while I ask her for her phone number. “Must love children.” Unlike the ferocious lion (who will kill and eat the cubs of rival males), I say the more kids, the better! We can open our own sweatshop, and they can make you shoes. I call being Factory Manager! “I like having fun.” Whew, what a relief! I’m meeting too many people these days that think having fun sucks. I’m a big fan of fun myself! We have so much in common. “Must like to dance.” Really? Have you ever met a straight guy who wants to go dancing? Wait, I take that back. I do know one guy, but he’s from Puerto Rico or something. Come to think of it, he’s probably gay. Well my name’s not Jorge, and I don’t do the mambo. Next. “I like going out, but also enjoy staying in for a quiet night at home.” That’s great, because staying home or going out are pretty much the only two options you have. “Must have car.” Like most men, I have a DUI and I use public transportation, but just in case you are coming from work, or school, or your girlfriend’s house, I can supply you with a free swipe-card so we can meet up for our first date. After we get completely hammered, I will see if you still want to hop in a car with me behind the wheel. Whatever happened to concern for the environment? So, the next time you are looking for love in all the wrong places, remember this: Somewhere out there in the world is your significant other, and he/she is looking for a tall animal lover who goes to church and enjoys camping but doesn’t mind sleeping in a separate sleeping bag while talking about the fun of having children. Next.