With week one in the books, it’s time to move onward and upward to week two in the NFL. Now that opening weekend is in the rearview mirror, let’s try to make a little bank on the NFL this season, shall we? You’ll be getting my picks every week throughout the year, so proceed with caution. I’m in no way, shape or form guaranteeing that you will be making it rain at the Booby Trap like Pac-Man off of my picks because if that was the case, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this bullshit ass column for the Chronicle. Alright, let’s see how many of you fuckers I can put on the streets selling that ass for beer money next week.
Arizona (+6.5) at Atlanta
Both teams looked pretty shitty in week one so it’s crap shoot time! Arizona barely beat the Rams and Atlanta is having its home opener. If you’re a degenerate like myself and have to bet this game take the Falcons laying the points. Once you win you can always Matty Ice one of your best braaahhhhs (only if you’re an absolute fag).
Miami (+5.5) at Minnesota
No matter if you bet on or against Brett Favre, you’re going to lose. That old prick will fuck you six ways til Sunday if you lay some coin on him. Take the Dolphins and the points. At least you can cheer for Favre to blow out his knee the whole game then curse him when you lose. It’s a win, win.
Buffalo (+13.5) at Green Bay
Blow out alert!! Bills are fucking terrible and Green Bay isn’t. Aaron Rodgers should throw for about 600 yards and 8 touchdowns in Lambeau on Sunday. Look for the Packers to “push the Bills shit in” prison style.
Baltimore (-1.5) at Cincy
The Ravens squeaked by a team with Mexican quarterback and the Bengals got smoked by a future Hall of Famer. Tough division match up right here. Let’s just hope that Ray Lewis murders T.O. Sunday. He’s killed once and he’ll do it again! Bengals at home, why not?
Pittsburgh (+5) at Tennessee
Easiest pick of the week. Chris Johnson is waaaaaaaaaayyyyy too fast for Big Ben to corner in a bathroom stall and rape repeatedly. Titans all day.
Philly (-4.5) at Detroit
Michael Vick is back baby!! Big deal, he killed a couple dogs, Pfffffffftttttt. He wasn’t drowning orphans or anything, (like it would matter; they’re not real people anyways). Detroit’s got their back up scrub QB starting which means it’s looking like Vick’s doing some big game killin’ Sunday. Welcome to the big leagues Mike.
Chicago (+7.5) at Dallas
This is what I like to call the Luke Vassi game. I watch football with him every week and he’s a Bear’s fan, so I’m going to pick Chicago every week, plain and simple. Cutler is banging some girl from “The Hills”, so that’s gotta count for something right?
St. Louis (+3.5) at Oakland
Is this really an NFL game this weekend? Let’s bring Osama out of hiding to bomb this shitbag of a game and do us all a favor. Who gives a rat’s ass, take the Raiders and their dirtbag fans.
Seattle (+3.5) at Denver
What is this the NCAA championship game? Pete Carroll leads his scrappy, rag-tag bunch against the clipboard holding savior of the Bronco’s Tim Tebow. It’s looking like a Tebow breakout this week. Four rushes for 10 yards anyone? Denver at home I suppose.
Houston (-3) at Washington
Everyone’s sleeper Arian F
oster really shoved it down the Colts’ throats huh? This is going to be a Schaub, Johnson beat down this week. McNugget is still getting comfy with his below average receivers as well. Texan’s roll.
Jacksonville (+7.5) at San Diego
Wasn’t it great seeing that loud mouth Phillip Rivers take a shit against the Chiefs Monday? Not gonna happen two weeks in a row. Jags have a black QB you know. Just saying.
New England (-2) at N.Y. Jets
Jets looked fucking awesome Monday, right? Zero offense equals a 7-9 year in my book. Welkaaaahhhhh’s back in action and hasn’t missed a beat. Take Brady and his queer haircut giving two.
N.Y. Giants (+5) at Indianapolis
Battle of the brothers. Think they’ll shower together after the game just like the old days. Let’s hope so. Well, since Peyton obviously beat little Eli in their Oreo lick off, you got to take the Colts at home Sunday night.
New Orleans (-5.5) at San Francisco
Who dat? Who dat? Who dat sick of these assholes from New Orleans. Katrina happened five fucking years ago, get over it. Drew Brees is just too much for the 69ers Monday night. The rout is on.
Well, that’s week two in a nut shell fuck-o’s. Hope I can help you make a couple extra bucks this weekend boys. I’m all out of ammo so I’ll be back next week to count my money and bring you week three. Later.