SEPTEMBER 15– Meet William Tyler Black. The 28-year-old Floridian, a substitute teacher, was arrested yesterday afternoon by Sarasota cops on battery and exposure of sexual organs charges, according to a probable cause affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here. A Walmart employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.” A police source told TSG that the toy in question was a light saber (apparently of the Star Wars variety), and that the magazine Black used was the 2010 SI swimsuit issue with model Brooklyn Decker on its cover. When cops confronted Black, pictured in the above mug shot, he said he was in the store “shopping for a toy for his daughter.” He was hit with the battery on a child count since investigators concluded that a “reasonable person would believe that a child would come in contact with the fluid on the toy being that it was left in the toy aisle of the store.”

I’m a fan of Star Wars and I shop at Walmart for paint and shit. But this is going a little far isn’t it? Guy is just looking for a toy for his daughter when bam, Brooklyn Decker gives him the bedroom eyes. What are you gonna do? One minute you are looking for Dora the Explorer and the next minute you accidentally jerk off to soft core porn. Only problem is you are in Walmart. Sounds like a bad dream. It can happen to the best of us…I might have to boycott them for a little while. And since when does that place have the SI swimsuit magazine? Don’t they only sell PG rated CD’s and shit? How did scantily-clad women in swimsuits make it through?

prma