Thank God. Dancing with the Stars has released their new line-up of pseudo-celebrities for season 10! Monday, March 23 can’t come soon enough for this guy. Is there anything better than watching people you could care less about team up with professional dancers that you’ve never heard of dancing for supremacy around the globe? Hell’s to the no, my friends.
All of our favorite judges are back as well. That’s right, another season of that old guy who knows it all, the former “fly girl” that makes my wiener tingle, and the gay dude who makes RuPaul seem straight. All of this is still hosted by the former “America’s Funniest Home Video’s” host Tom Bergeron too! Well smack my nuts with a whiffle ball bat and call me Seymore because this is shaping up to be the best season ever! Who’s dancing, you say? Let’s lace up them dancing shoes and find out.Pamela Anderson- We’ve got TITTIES!!! Everybody’s favorite whore is set to spank the planks in season 10. She’s a model, an actress, has hepatitis, and can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. This is a classy move by the Disney owned ABC network. Maybe we can see Jenna Jameson on the next installment of Wife Swap. Actually, this makes perfect sense.
Aiden Turner- Housewives rejoice everywhere! “All My Children” star and hot piece of man-meat Aiden Turner is going from daytime romance to prime-time salsa. Honestly I have no God-damned clue who this tool bag is. He’s not going to win anyways. He’s got a lot of work to do if he’s going to dance his way into this guy’s heart. Wow.. that was gay.
Buzz Aldrin- The original “moonwalker”, not the dead child molester, but the second man to ever walk on the moon joins the cast. F@ck you Neil Armstrong! The 80 year-old former astronaut looks to defy gravity in the competition and plant his flag as champion for senior citizens everywhere. Hey, Hollywood staged the moon landing so surely they can make Buzz look good.
Niecy Nash- Hey it’s the fat, black chick from “Reno 911”! Welcome to the mainstream. It’s going to be very interesting watching someone dance with two Heineken mini-kegs stuffed down the back of their spandex. Not to throw any unjust stereotypes out there, but she’s got to have some kind of moves right? Just saying.
Chad Ochocinco- Finally Chad Johnson can dance without having to pay 10K a rip. Expect creativity to flow from ol’ 85 as he brings his extravagant end zone celebrations to DWTS. Who knows how Chad will react to having a partner as he is sure to be the number one diva this season. Roger Goodell, eat your heart out!
Erin Andrews- Perverts across the web can step away from their computers, plop down on the sofa with their favorite box of Kleenex and enjoy. Sultry ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews takes a time-out from getting peeped in hotel rooms to shake what her momma gave her in season 10. She is the first girl from the University of Florida dance team to get paid to dance without being in a smokey strip club riding the pole.
Evan Lysacek- In his quest to prove that he is the first straight male figure-skater in the history of the sport, Evan Lysacek might have chosen the wrong format to accomplish this goal. We’ve all seen his moves on the ice while bringing home the gold in Vancouver, but will this translate to the dance floor? As long as we keep A.C. Slater’s abs out of his field of vision Lysacek might fair well. I’m just kidding, he’s gay and doesn’t care who knows it!
Kate Gosselin- Tabloid celebrity and all around bitch, Kate Gosselin, is looking to get her groove on. I’m sure all of this dance practice won’t take any time away from her parental responsibility raising her 8 young children. Hell, 8 kids can practically raise themselves anyways. With all of the cameramen and production assistants hanging around I’m sure everyone can pick up the slack. The guy who handles the boom mic can sure change a mean diaper! If she can keep her uterus off the ground she’s got a good chance to take this competition home.
Jake Pavelka- Known for his terrible decision making, this year’s bachelor looks to stay engaged for more than a month while dancing on his wings of love. We’ve seen his softer side, now it’s time to turn up the heat. Who here thinks that there will be roses involved in all of his routines? This cheeseball will woo Bruno with his dashing good looks before ultimately being sent home without a rose of his own. Single tear.
Nicole Scherzinger- The list wouldn’t be complete without a glorified stripper to take the stage, now would it. Even though her voice is average at best, she’s got the sluttiest moves of all the cast by far. Although unpolished as a traditional dancer, Nicole has the uncanny ability to get blackout-drunk off of Jaeger and spontaneously bust out with lap dances at any time. Catch her at the club around 3am and you’ve got a shot. Jaeger is awesome.
Shannen Doherty- Brenda Walsh will dance just like Donna Martin graduates. I miss 90210. Perpetual train wreck Shannen Doherty looks to piss everyone off as she clings to her last 15 minutes of fame for dear life. I assume Shannen will be getting paid in coke and Xanax but this isn’t confirmed. If she can stay standing for most of the show then she is a shoe-in to win. You ever seen anyone dance on Xanax? One word: amazing.