Chronic Love: Sex Advice for Jet Aged Hoods.

1) Dear Chronic Love, I have been with my girlfriend for a little over three months.  She still lives with her parents, and I usually go over there to chill.  Now, my girl’s mom works out six days a week and is completely fine.  Lately, as I chill there more, I have been having fantasies about banging her, especially since she gives me seductive looks at times. The other night my girl and I were hooking up at her house after we watched a movie with her parents.  With her mom still in my mind, I called my girlfriend by her mother’s name while we did it!  She will not return my calls or answer me.  I still like her, but I really want her mom. Help! – MILF Trouble in Delray Dear MILF trouble, Needless to say, you got yourself into some big trouble this time!  While it is completely normal to fantasize about a fine and sexy older woman, your girlfriend’s mother is usually off limits.  If your girlfriend’s mother is married, it is quite unlikely that mommy would not only ruin her marriage and break up a family, but it would be a betrayal her daughter for a man.  I mean, blood is thicker than water. You mentioned that your girlfriend’s mother gives you seductive looks and obviously the wrong impression.  In very few scenarios, family members realize their undeniable attraction and sexual desire for an “off limit” love (a brother’s wife, a best friend’s ex, a daughter’s ex-boyfriend).  If this is the case with you two, once your girlfriend tells her mother why she ended the relationship, the mother may contact you.  BUT, you shouldn’t hold your breath! If you have your heart set on your girlfriend’s mom and don’t care about trying to get your girlfriend back, leave the situation alone before you cause anymore damage, and keep holding your breath…..If you realize you made a mistake, it’s time to think of a great excuse why your girlfriend’s mother’s name slipped out of your mouth.  Flowers and white lies are not off limits when dealing with a sticky situation like the one you have gotten yourself into. – J. Blondie Dear MILF Trouble, Don’t sweat it; it was in the heat of the moment. If you’re doing it right, God knows what you’ll say. One time during a particularly wild affair I said Dan Aykroyd! Hey, it’s not my fault I had just watched the “Blues Brothers”. Your girlfriend will forgive you…just tell her what she wants to hear. Really drive it home that you were so turned on by her, you were speaking gibberish, and it just sounded like her mom’s name. Trust me. She would rather believe that than the truth so she’ll go with it. No one wants to believe his or her boyfriend would rather bang their mom. Besides, you can’t break up with your girlfriend right now because you need her. She’ll come in handy in the conquest for mom! The only way you’re ever going to be able to pull that off is by hanging around the house a lot. Also it couldn’t hurt to take care of the daughter extra extra well; you know any PR is good PR, and mothers and daughters sometime talk. You couldn’t have picked a tougher mark, so godspeed my little MILF hunter! If you can pull it off, you’ll die a legend. -2d2gc 2) Dear Chronic Love, I really thought I knew my husband after seven years; however, I recently discovered there are many aspects of his personality and sexual preferences that I was completely unaware of. Over the past year he has been distant and secretive, spending hours on the computer watching porn (specifically back-door action).  Watching porn as a form of entertainment is not the issue.  Since his recent obsession, he has a new found fixation on butt play.  He always enjoyed exploring mine, but now he wants to me do the same to his.  This makes me a little nervous.  Is this normal?  Is my husband bi-sexual? – Dora, the Back-Door Explora in Aventura Dear Dora, the Back-Door Explora, Both men and women can enjoy anal stimulation and do on many accounts.  You mentioned that your husband regularly explores your butt region, so you know what I am talking about!  Even more so, men find erotic pleasure in butt play of all kinds because their prostate gland lies only a couple of inches inside the anus. So, as for your first question, your husband is not alone….many men find pleasure in the stimulation of this region. Now, if the obsession with pornography is beginning to affect his job, his married, and/or his quality of life, he may be suffering from a form of sex addiction.  If this is the case, contacting a psychologist specializing in sexual disorders would be your best bet.  If not, the pornography may be a way to satisfy his sexual fantasies mentally!  To answer your second question, the types of pornography he is into watching, coupled with the types of “exploring” he wants you to do, can help you to determine if your husband is bi-sexual.  As long as the pornography includes women, and he desires you (a woman) in his sexual fantasizes, the need for anal stimulation alone is not a realistic determination of bi-sexuality.  If he watches all male pornography and the types of sexual activity he requests makes you feel uncomfortable, you should ask your husband flat-out. – J. Blondie Dear Dora the Back-Door Explora, If it’s bigger than a finger, he’s gay. -2d2gc 3) Dear Chronic Love, My girlfriend gets wasted every single time we go out.  She rarely can have just a couple of drinks and usually gets obliterated.  To make matters worse, she wanders throughout the bars and clubs, stumbling around in her skimpy little dresses.  She usually disappears, leaving me to search aimlessly, which ruins the night.  Numerous times, I found her on another guy’s lap, basically passed out, being taken advantage of.  She is the sweetest girl when she is sober, but she does not remember and can not even imagine her behavior the next morning.  I want to stay with her, but how can I stop her from being such a lush? – Baby-sitter boyfriend in Coral Springs Dear Baby-sitter Boyfriend, It sounds like you have a fun, beautiful, and potentially faithful girlfriend with great intentions… alcohol is beginning to get in the way!  If you are willing to help your girlfriend realize her irresponsible and possibly dangerous behaviors by even changing some of your behaviors, you may be able to stop her from being such a “lush”.  To begin with, taking a video tape or pictures of her, at her worst, will break down the wall of denial and put some reality to your description of her behaviors.  Viewing the pictures/video the morning after a rough night will undoubtedly embarrass your girl: possibly even enough to cause her to stop acting out through alcohol. Hate to break it to you, but you are contributing and enabling her behavior by continuing to bring her to bars and clubs on a regular basis.  Try spending more time at home, at restaurants, or hanging out with people or couples who do not get completely wasted every single time they go out.  If you keep your girlfriend away from the types of environments where drinking to oblivion is acceptable, the slutty behavior will have less of a chance of occurring on a regular basis.  If your girlfriend is not open to your suggestions and insists on drinking even when the social environment calls for sobriety, you may be dealing with addiction.  In this case, preventing your girlfriend from being such a lush may be out of your control and should become the responsibility of an addictions professional. – J. Blondie Dear Baby-sitter Boyfriend, I think old Ms. Blondie may be on to something here: pictures may help your cause. However is this girl really worth it, or is she just a ho? I’m leaning towards ho. Alcohol just helps bring out the inner you by lowering your inhibitions. Unfortunately for you, your girls inner ‘you’ is a ho, and a ho can’t be trusted. She can’t be trusted drunk and inversely she cannot be trusted sober. Either way you look at it she’s shady, and just for the record, the reason she is all over other guys when she’s drunk is because she wants other guys when she’s sober. Not to mention the whole ” I cant remember what I did last night” line.  That’s a classic. What is this 8th grade? Bullshit momma; you know exactly what you did last night or at least you have a pretty good idea. No one forgets the night in all of its entirety. Trust me when I tell you, Baby-sitter Boyfriend, with a girl like this it’s always gonna be something. Shes always going to be all over other dudes, riding that fine line of possibly cheating and there’s always going to be an excuse. Reason being is she’s not doing it because she is drunk; she’s doing it to make you jealous! It’s simple really, if you are constantly jealous and focused on her you can never cheat. She knows this because this is exactly what her last boyfriend did to her. This is classic behavior of a woman scorned. Women who just got burned tend to torture their next few boyfriends in an effort to get back at their ex for sleeping with the aerobics instructor. It’s an effective strategy for them and it’s how they handle a rebound. Hot chicks can never be alone–they have to have a man at all times, even if at this particular time in her life she hates all men. So if you feel like you’re in the the rebound torture zone, which I fully suspect you are Baby-sitter Boyfriend, here’s what you do– it’s a two step process: Step one: Find one of her friends (preferably the one who secretly hates her). Step two: Bang her. Then maybe just let it slip out next time you’re at the club and she’s drunk and in some dudes lap; see if she remembers that. You’re no whipping boy, Baby-sitter Boyfriend, why should you hang out and get tortured because some other guy screwed her over? Hell no, light a match on that gasoline pile and leave it worse than you found it. Because if there’s one thing I know in this life it’s this; it’s better to be the home-wrecker than the owner of the wrecked home. -2d2gc 4) Dear Chronic Love, After dating my boyfriend for five months, he revealed his burning fantasy of having a 3-some with me and another woman. When doing the deed he mentions how much more exciting it would be with another woman thrown into the mix, usually making me feel self-conscious and ruining the mood.  He has even pushed me on other women at the club, expecting me to dance seductively and convince these women to come home with us.  I know he loves me but am I not pleasing him enough?  Will the ménage à trois satisfy his fantasy and make our relationship return to normal or make matters worse? – Self-conscious Satisfier in Sail Boat Bend Dear Self-conscious Satisfier, Your boyfriend’s fantasy of a three-some is completely “normal” and his ability to voice his sexual wants shows his level of comfort and honesty within the relationship.  Now, mentioning his desires and forcing them upon you are two very different situations.  It is completely healthy for your man to reveal details about his fantasy while having intimate conversations, as it may even help you understand and/or become more comfortable with his burning desire for a threesome, BUT sex is not the right time to bring it up.  If bringing up the issue during your sexual encounters, or in public places like the club, makes you feel self-conscious, you need to speak your mind and be honest, just as he has been with you.  If he cares about you, he will understand he is causing you pain. Most men have fantasies about 3-somes, even when they are perfectly satisfied with their significant other.  If you know you would never be interested in trying to bring another woman into your bed, putting your foot down now would probably be best for you and your relationship, as giving him false hope will only make matters worse.  In addition, agreeing to something you are not comfortable with will lead to future resentment towards your man, which is never, ever healthy for a relationship.  If you feel attraction towards women and are curious and interested in the idea of hooking up with a hot woman with your boyfriend, go for it, as 3-somes only work when all 3 parties are into getting it on!  It IS possible for the relationship to become closer based on this experience, but rarely so!  DO NOT agree on having a 3-some for fear of losing your boyfriend….this will for sure ruin your relationship in the future!  Go with your heart…. – J. Blondie Dear Self Conscious-Satisfier, If your boyfriend wants a threesome you should give it to him. Why not, we all deserve to be happy right? The only thing is, I would be very careful just which girl you choose. The last thing you want to do is bring someone hotter than you to bed. One taste of that forbidden fruit and it’s bye-bye boyfriend. Make sure whichever girl you bring home is slightly less attractive than you. This way you will remain the focal point of most of his attention rather than sitting on the side of the bed while your boyfriend gets it on with some other chic. You see that’s the problem with a threesome, your girl will always want to be the center of attention but you’re always going to be more interested in the strange. There is always going to be an advantage for the new girl because she’s just that, new. The new girl +2 points right off the bat just for being new so you need to compensate for that. Truth be told, the best threesome is with two girls who you are NOT dating. This way it’s one for all, and all for one, like the three musketeers, and no feelings can get hurt! In closing, if your boyfriend wants a threesome, it’s because he’s bored. So either show him some excitement i.e. the threesome, or just step back and watch him cheat. ‘Cause if he doesn’t find it home, he’s going to find it somewhere else. Don’t sweat it though, threesomes are fun. Just stick with my advice, and you may just make it out of the threesome with your relationship intact! -2d2gc