Chronic Love, sex advice for jet aged hoods.

1) Dear Chronic Love,

At my new job, my boss (the owner) is always making sexual comments and finding small ways to touch me.  It has been progressively getting worse and at first I was slightly uncomfortable but then decided that it makes me feel kind of empowered.  Recently, a manager position has opened up in the company and I really could use the better salary.  Normally, I would never consider crossing uncharted boundaries however, I bet I could “talk” him into giving me the promotion.  Is this wrong?

– Getting A-head in Miami

Dear Getting A-head, Having intimate or sexual relations with your boss to “nail” the managerial position comes along with baggage and repercussions.  Working closely in the workplace, as a team, coupled with the power he is accustomed to exerting over you can resemble an intimate relationship in many instances, accounting for your growing comfort with his sexual advances.  Just because it does not feel THAT uncomfortable, does not mean it is the right decision for you emotionally or for your career. If your boss is married, you run the risk of beginning an affair, which could ultimately lead to suspicion and animosity within the workplace.  Not to mention, if caught, not only would you lose your managerial position, but your job altogether.  And forget about a recommendation for a new job! Now, to keep the peace with you and your boss, without making things weird, the usual flirting minus the actual sexual activity may be used to your advantage.  If the “flirting” that you mentioned does not make you feel uncomfortable and instead, powerful in a way, by all means…using your sex appeal and your womanhood to get what you want is not off limits.  If need be, work it girl! – J. Blondie Dear Getting A-head Go for it! You sound like you’re totally into this guy anyway. Plus don’t forget he’s the Boss, applesauce, he gets what he wants! Nothing like a little office nookie to spice up an otherwise average and boring work day. Lets face it, it was bound to happen. You spend more time with this guy (40 hours a week) than you do with the guy you’re dating (two hours a night while he watches Seinfeld reruns in his underwear). Don’t blame yourself, its like sitting next to someone in class for a whole semester. You’re just bound to grow on one another, its a proximity thing. The fact that you’re writing this letter already shows that you’ve made up your mind. You can’t deny your inner urgings, it just not healthy. My only advice to you is, make sure you get some proof. Like a sex tape or at least some naughty phone texts. This way if the sh*t really does hit the fan you can leave the company with a big fat severance package. Its fun to play games, but not at your own expense. Last thing you want to get is the old ‘pipe and fire’. So protect yourself the smart way, digital evidence. Now get your camera phone ready and go get yourself a promotion the old fashioned way, on your knees! -2d2gc 2) Dear Chronic Love, My girlfriend always wants to “do it” in the morning.  She rolls over and takes advantage of my morning wood, as if it’s a sign I am into getting it on, rather than just a fact of life.  While I’m usually down for some morning nooky, she insists on whispering in my ears and even kissing with her rancid morning breath.  I love her to death but the stench makes it very difficult to stay excited and actually kind of disgusts me.  How do I tell her without hurting her feelings or starting an argument? – Dazed with Disgust in Lauderdale by the Sea Dear Dazed with Disgust, This is a sensitive subject!  Proceed with caution!  On one hand, you are a lucky man…I mean your girlfriend takes advantage of the morning wood…on the other hand, her breath stinks and you know how sensitive women are (especially when you find it such a major turnoff).  Basically, you have a few options here.  You can go with the most honest choice by sweetly and compassionately, telling the truth.  When she starts “feeling around” in the morning, you could simply say, “Wow, we have some serious morning breath.”  By including yourself in the statement it may feel less like an embarrassing personal attack and more like a joke that you both can laugh about. If you are not the communicating type, bringing up the issue by revealing your disgust may not be the right way to go.  You can always try to avoid her kisses by switching to other positions where face to face contact is not a must.  If there is just no way to avoid the stench, be proactive!  As soon as your girlfriend begins waking up and you feel like she may reach for your knob, you can jump up outta bed, walk to the sink to brush your own teeth.  This may encourage her to brush, as well. Hopefully your girlfriend will be susceptible to your suggestion for the sake of your sex life and relationship. – J. Blondie Dear Dazed with Disgust, What you need to do is implement your ‘no brush no crush’ policy and stick to it. You are a grown-ass man and this is a stupid problem to have. If you have to write in to an advice column for this I’d hate to see what a mess the rest of your life is. That being said, just stay positive and upbeat about it and you’ll be fine. When she gets up in the morning and rolls over toward you with that morning flame thrower just stick to your ‘no brush no crush’ policy but make it fun. Say babe just brush those chompers already I wanna make out with you! or hurry up and brush so we can smush! As long as you stick to your policy and keep it fun and upbeat everything will go smooth. The truth is, if you’re fun and upbeat you can get women to do just about anything. Even if it’s something as simple as brushing her teeth. It’s like whenever I want to take a girls top off, I just say arms up. Like I’m playing a game with a toddler, it never fails it works every time. Their arms go up and off comes the shirt. Moral off the story, stick to your guns and don’t make it a big deal out of nothing, as long as its all fun, nobody can get offended. -2d2gc 3) Dear Chronic Love, I recently ended a 7 year relationship due to undeniable and uncontrollable feelings for a co-worker.  Unfortunately, we all live in the same town, and my ex-boyfriend has not taken the break-up well at all.  Besides the harassing phone calls, my ex-boyfriend always tries to beat up my new boyfriend when he sees us out.  Instead of standing up for himself, we have to run and hide every time we see my ex boyfriend out in public.  My new one has even suggested we pretend we are no longer dating when my ex comes around, which is completely pathetic.  Why won’t my boyfriend stand up for me and our relationship?  Why is my new boyfriend such a pussy? – Wearing the Pants in Boca Dear Wearing the pants, Your boyfriend may very well not be a pussy or afraid of your ex boyfriend, but unwilling to face the repercussions that go along with fighting, especially in a public bar or club.  Even though you may not have any feelings for your ex boyfriend, he is still affecting your relationship with your new boyfriend, in a major way.  Your ex is obviously making your new boyfriend feel uncomfortable, and he may become fed up of the baggage that comes along with being your boyfriend.  If you want to keep your new boyfriend, you should become more concerned with minimizing the drama you are causing than him being too pussy for your taste. You can try to tell your new boyfriend that you want him to be proud of your relationship instead of trying to hide it, but you should definitely not be mad or try to confront him because he will not physically fight for you. I mean he is not in high school, after all.  You can take matters into your own hands by trying to go to bars or clubs where your ex boyfriend does not usually hang around, or spend more time at home, either watching a movie with your new boyfriend or inviting other friends or couples over to party where your ex boyfriend cannot show up.  Working on your relationship with your ex-boyfriend not around is your only fair shot at healthy progression, so make it happen if you want to save the relationship with your new man. – J. Blondie Dear Wearing the Pants, The only way you can ever get your ex to stop messing with your new man is for your new man to actually grow a pair. Other wise you might as well go for a third man. May I suggest one that is actually bigger than your ex this time. Maybe a Guido fist-pumper type? The truth is, this sort of thing happens all the time, its a passing of the guards. If your ex knows he can punk your new man every time he sees him out, he’s going to do it. One, because its fun for him and two, because he wants to belittle your new man in front of you and remind you what you lost or left. As for your new man I don’t know how he lives with himself. I’m sure he must be embarrassed having to always duck out and hide when your ex is around. So why do you guys keep going to places where you’ll see him? Do you intentionally keep bringing him there? Cause I’m sure its the last place your BF wants to go. If so, stop for Gods sake, there is definitely nothing good that can come from this situation and you’re probably gonna get your boyfriend beat up. Which besides ruining the evening could possibly ruin the entire relationship. Unless there is some reason you keep  bringing your boyfriend around your ex? Your own twisted way of staying the center of attention maybe? If so, you are one crazy b*tch and you need to stop toying with people’s lives. No matter how you slice it new boys and old boys don’t mix..just like oil and water, so keep ’em separated. Your man is never going to be the kind of guy this situation calls for and if you keep doing what you’re doing he’s probably gonna end up hurt. Do you love your new man at all? If so, why don’t you stop trying to feed him to the lions and actually do something nice for him, jeesh! -2d2gc

4) Dear Chronic Love,

I got dumped by my long-term girlfriend about two years ago.  Since then, I can only seem to sleep with the same girl once.  As soon as I get them into bed, I am over it!  These women call me again, expecting me to ask to see them, but I have absolutely no desire, even when I know it’s a sure thing.  They all say that I don’t have a heart but I just don’t believe in relationships. Why can’t they just accept that? – Rip and Dip in Fort Lauderdale Dear Rip and Dip, If you are not the type of man who is ready to become emotionally involved again, then so be it. Just be honest about it.  Women who are looking for one night stands will accept this behavior if you are honest up front (and these are the women you should gear your efforts towards. Women who are not interested and/or do not believe in one night stands will never accept your ways).  BUT, if you are getting these women into bed by promising and giving false hope, I would strongly suggest you not do this, as you will have a much harder time getting them off your back and you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. While the challenge of conquering your “prey” satisfies us all, did you ever consider why you are currently incapable of becoming even the least bit emotionally involved with these women?  Your last relationship obviously greatly affected you and you may be afraid to let other women “in” for fear they may hurt you as your ex did.  Blocking them out, by essentially using them for one-time sex, protects you from the potential feelings you may develop after the initial sexual encounter.  While you heal from your past, this behavior may be healthy for you; however, eventually facing your pain and letting others in will lead to true happiness, rather than the inevitable loneliness of one-night stands. – J. Blondie Dear Rip and Dip, Don’t listen to J. Blondie–you have found the ultimate in male happiness and you don’t even know it! You my friend, are in a very rare state of male nirvana that is often talked about but rarely practiced. Nirvana means “a state of being free from suffering”, which essentially means free from having a girlfriend! Yes, you have stumbled on to the secret to eternal male happiness, Rip and Dip. Never ever ever get into a relationship. Yes its just that simple guys. Male nirvana and pure bliss can be found through just this one simple rule, never ever sleep with the same chic twice. Oh yes, it seems like a simple plan at first and for all intents and purposes, it is. Yet for some reason most men just cannot seem to wrap their heads around it. They do it for a year or two right after their relationship ends, then as time goes by they start to slip. They can even begin to convince themselves that a relationship is actually a good idea. Then before they know it, they get caught up. As soon as you go back for that second dose of love it begins, and its a slippery-slope folks. The first sign of the end is the pink disposable razors in the shower, if you see them run while you still can ’cause next thing you know, you’ll be looking for your hair wax and there they’ll be… tampons in the bathroom drawer. At this point you start to feel the walls closing in and rightfully so because the tampons are your final warning. Next stop on this crazy train? Relationship-ville. Yup, the town where your penis goes to die, fellas. This final phase is marked by the third and final tell-tale sign that you’re in a relationship, the extra toothbrush by the bathroom sink. If you see this you might as well just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. For you are officially in a relationship and thus a 100% neutered adult; welcome to Hell. I hope you like the same thing for diner night after night after night cause the menus not changing anytime soon. I know what you’re thinking South Florida, “2d2gc tell us how we can avoid this?” Well it easy kids, be like our friend and Fort Lauderdale native Rip and Dip here and follow his one simple rule. Absolutely under no fricken circumstances, sleep with the same girl twice! Its simple and affective. Follow this one rule SFL and you, too will ride off into the sunset of male nirvana and endless bliss. Stray from this one rule and spend the rest of your life arguing with some girl over where to go to lunch. Yeah folks, its not a pretty picture and it ends with your windshield smashed, trust me. In conclusion Rip and Dip, you are ahead of your time. Yes, you are a visionary and other men should look up to you. I praise you for your perseverance in this desperate cause and hopefully this column will help other men find the nirvana you are currently experiencing. Enjoy it and remember, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! -2d2gc