Christmas can be a fun, relaxing and emotional time for the guys. You can have friends over without retort from the old lady. You can deep fry a turkey in your boxers with the garage door open and no one cares. You can buy 6 30-packs of Bud Light and no one will even bat an eye at you. Unfortunately you can also be brought into a world of shit. A world you should never be in. I call it, “The Christmas In Hell, ZONE.” 

Here are some sure fire ways not to let your spouse, or the so called spirit of Christmas make you into Santa’s little bitch.

1. And this is the first rule for a reason. Don’t ever, ever go shopping with your wife. Nothing will end your holly jolly Christmas Spirit quicker than being tugged around Macy’s looking for baby clothes and making you smell every fucking Yankee Candle until you get a migraine so bad you want to go lie down in housewares until she finds everything she needs.

2. When at home, put on Rudolph The Reindeer and play air guitar to every song in it. When the kids start staring at you funny, tell them the original was scored by Metallica. Shotgun a beer every time The Abominable Snowman growls!

3. Instead of gift wrapping, or having them wrapped professionally for that matter. Set out your gifts in empty beer boxes under the tree. Tell them you are going green by recycling. Kill two birds with one stone.

4. Hang mistletoe all over the house so that you increase the chance of your wife giving you sex, for once.

5. If your kids try to give you a list of toys for Santa, tell them Santa isn’t coming this year because they can’t fly into your part of town. When they start to cry, tell them you know Santa personally and you will put in a good word. On Christmas morning, you will look like God to your children, in turn making your wife give you head.

6. Invite all of your man friends over. Just invite them over all week before Christmas. Your wife will be gone shopping. Nuff said.

7. When you are the family’s house on Christmas day, if someone you don’t really know (i.e – your second cousins husband) asks you how you are doing or how you have been, tell them you were on a special mission from the CIA, then talk into your wrist and say,”Yah, I’m talking to him now. OK. Give me 5 minutes.” Then go hide out somewhere leaving him scared for his life.

8. Sure fire way to get a new snowmobile, ATV, or 50″ Plasma from your wife? Tell her that you love her and no one else is above her. Let her know that without her, you would be nothing.


~ The Chef