A bush on the verge of extinction, a bush that must be saved, the one, the only, the Queen of Southern Hairstyles, the seventies porn star bush! American men must demand that our women depart from the pre-pubescent hairstyle to which they have become accustomed. We must bring back pre-panty-removal excitement. We must fight to bring back some pants-down individuality to this God-forsaken peninsula. We must bring back the bush!

Listen up ladies: all I’m seeing out there these days is landing strip, bald, landing strip, bald, landing strip, bald. Enough already! It’s so boring down there – boring like the Republican Convention on C-Span. It’s boring like high school detention. It’s like Friday Night Book Club boring, and to be completely honest, landing strips seem to be falling off a bit. I’d say South Florida is an easily 73% bald wilderness. That’s balder than Danny Devito after a visit to Supercuts. It’s just sad, I tell ya, just sad.

South Florida is home to some of the most beautiful and exciting women in the world. There is no reason for us not to expect total body fashion from them. You have to tighten up, ladies; you’re better than this! You girls wouldn’t dare all go out and get the same haircut as each other. So why this? Imagine how society would look if 73% of women all had the same haircut? It would be ridiculous. Are you all sheep? Must we all wear the same hat? The same socks? Drive the same cars? What we are dealing with here is pubic hair socialism! Ladies, have you no sense of individuality? Would you go out on the town with your friends wearing the same shoes? Absolutely not! Then why must you all share this same style? It’s an outrage!

Ladies, ladies, ladies must you all look like Barbie dolls? Can’t we mix it up a bit? Isn’t variety supposed to be the spice of life? Right here, right now ladies, let me lead you to the Promised Land! Let’s band together and ring in the rebirth of pubic hair. Bring back the bush! It starts today! We have to fight for your rights ladies! Fight for your right to express yourself through exciting and interesting hairstyles on all parts of your body. We must support a woman’s right to choose her very own sexy southern haircut that defines her as a person.

Now I don’t personally own a pussycat but if I did I certainly wouldn’t want it to look just like my neighbor’s. How would I know which is mine? And by that same rationale, this movement may actually serve to lower cases of infidelity. After today you won’t be able to use the excuse, “I thought it was you babe, I swear!” Now all women will be empowered with individuality. You’ll be able to say, “come on, buddy, you didn’t see she has highlights and I have a French braid?”

Now this is a grass roots movement, ladies, so I’m going to need your help. You are going to have to get involved and help spread the word. Tell your friends, your mothers, your high school guidance counselors. Tell them bald is dead and the bush is back in a big way! Tell them the days of styling only half your hair are over! It’s time for some hairstyling, south of the border style! Now, this doesn’t just go for the bush in its many varieties. This goes for all pubic hairstyles, Braids, Bobs, Weaves, Fades, Blowouts – whatever! I want to start seeing some creativity down there. At least as much creativity as on top! Hell, scratch that, I want to see more than the top. After all is there any place you want your certain someone (or someones, for the promiscuous) to enjoy spending their time? Shoot, you may even want to spring for some bleaching, a perm or even a protein pack.  You know, revitalize the area if it’s been dead for a while. The important thing is that you cease and desist in perpetuating a fashion faux pas! You must end the elaborate hoax that has been played on the fine women of South Florida. From now on, no pube style counts as no style! The trend has been started; the bar has been set, now let’s see what you ladies have to offer. Let your individuality shine through. Lay it on the table. Live your style to the fullest and trim that shit like Mr. Miyagi and his bonsai tree. Good luck ladies, the revolution starts with you!

Who else…? Kid Chronic

prma