Now I’m what you call a seasoned vet, a.k.a – super ultimate extreme college senior. I have been in college for over a decade. I have three college degrees and up until last week I was attending grad school. I think I have reached my potential, so I’ve decided to quit for good and finally enter the job market.

That’s not to say that I didn’t see a lot in those ten years. I have seen and experienced every single thing there is to imagine. I have put together this back to school survival guide to help you stay straight in your first few weeks.

#1. Lose the realtives on Facebook. If you have any sense of pride you will not allow your family to spy or otherwise know your friends on Facebook. You are in college, you are alone, act like it.

#2. Identify your roommate and decide who they are. This comes in handy if you need to borrow money, avoid them, have a girl over, or get some sleep.

#3. Do your arithmetic, and find yourself some interesting shows to follow this fall. You never know when you are going to run into a smokeshow and find yourself with nothing to say but, “where’s the keg?” Be able to not only describe the fall prime time line up, but engage it descriptively and with heart. Be that guy. Be him! Who cares if you are talking about American Idol or Dancing With the Stars, at least you are talking with a female.

#4.  AVOID Freshmen. They do two things. A) Completely annoy you and your friends and B) Unintentionally cock-block. Chicks hate freshman boys, even if they are froshes, too. Freshman are the epitome of what a poser is. They stare and look around like a homeless man begging for change, just soaking shit up like a sponge. They are unoriginal and have no character. You must be the opposite. They do not act like themselves. Stay away from Freshman.

#5.  Exercise.  Go to the college gym, even if you arent going to workout. Just go. Go look around. Fake it. Look at potential women that might be at the party that weekend.  Talk to one of them. Throw a towel over your shoulder, pull one head phone out of your ear keeping one in and go talk to one. Chance favors the prepared mind.

#6. Do your homework ahead of time. Economically, the first week of college life can be figured out by a party chart such as this one. You can pretty much base everything that is going to happen by the graph below. Therefore it is to your advantage to plan accordingly to either avoid or increase the chances of the event actually taking place.

#7.  Find a girlfriend, and don’t lose her. Cheat on her, but don’t lose her. Ultimately, this is what will separate you from the pack. If you happen to end up at a ridiculously boring sausage fest, this is your fall back girl. You will look like a king amongst men if you say things like, “sorry guys, gotta meet up with my woman at the crib. Catch you later.” Walk her to class, help her with homework, take her to the freaking rec hall and fake how you like playing ping pong for all I care. Just make sure, she is brainwashed and will do anything you say. Also, make sure she has friends. You want a friend, not a psychopath.

#8.  Get to Walmart before the condoms are all gone. Walmart is contracted to buy condoms every month on the month for freshness or something like that. Therefore, when they run out, they run out. The store near me runs out the Thursday before the first weekend of parties. That leaves you 48 hours to get the good ones before they are gone, before you are left with a choice between non-lubricated and sheepskin (babyontheway) condoms. Condoms are wicked expensive and they have the best prices, so they are in high demand. Get them quick, before you find yourself buying a three pack from the pharmacy for $9.99. Actual picture taken three days after everyone arrived.

#9.  Know where every party is, every good bar is, and what every one is wearing. Never go out looking like the 5 frat guys who went to the same mall store that day and got bored so they all bought shirts to pop collars with. Be original. Ignore people, act like you are too busy. Act smart, act tough. Act as if no one matters but you, your girlfriend, and your education. When you figure out what parties are happening, thats when you find your real friends. People you want to chill with over and over. These are your future connections.

#10.  Under any circumstances.  Never let this happen to you at your school. Especially on a Sunday.