To a man, there’s nothing worse than Valentine’s Day. Two things. You are either single or taken. If you are single, you stay home, awesome. If you are taken, you are dragged out of your house by a crazed stranger who you thought was your girlfriend wanting attention and romance and laughter and sex and money and drugs and candy and jewels and wine and sex and money…It’s the perfect way to show you care, right. Well, here is why I think that little arrow shooting midget Cupid can go sh*t in a hat.
8) Lame Candy Hearts. The only thing worse than faking gratitude when you hand me three hearts with Be Mine, You Stud, or So Hot is falsely complementing you on your third grade creativity. After that, I have the pleasure of choking down these delightful little confections that taste like a combination of elementary school chalk and baseball card chewing gum.
7) Overpriced Dinners. Thank you for bumping up your prices by $25 for the pleasure of eating your attempt at creating a culinary dream. Mmmmm, love that odd lemon/ball sweat flavored cream sauce you doused on these New Potatoes. Did you use dill on this flank steak that you are passing off as veal? That makes you a real chef. This should go well with that moldy tasting boxed cabernet you’re serving at the reasonable price of $9 a glass. P.S. Nobody likes FLAN!!
6) The Valentine’s Card. Thanks sweety, I’m glad it took you ten minutes to decide between the Whinny the Pooh card that said, “You’re my Honey” and the Tigger Card that said, “You’re Terrifficccc!” I think I might just go down on you tonight!
5) Jared’s Jewelry Commercials. Oh Jared. You most heinous bastards of the Belgium families. Congratulations on raping the people of South Africa, exporting all the wealth to Europe and artificially inflating the price of diamonds by restricting the supply to the market. But why stop there. You didn’t. You successfully launched a marketing campaign that has every woman in America believing that she has to secure her friendship with her female friends by flaunting stones that resemble a pure relationship. As in, if her man is a complete douchebag. Hey, love is blind so let her friends decide if she should stay with the poor asshole or not…
4) The Poor Sap That Over Does It. Guess what dude, those years of being a neglectful father and husband or the affair you had with your coworker won’t be forgiven simply because you bought this girl a tennis bracelet, sent 100 roses to her work, and hired a wandering serenade for the night. The only thing you’re accomplishing is making the rest of us look bad. BTW- she’s sleeping with your best friend.
3) Valentine’s Sex. I just spent four hours pretending to enjoy the evening, I am half cocked on bad wine, and my stomach is turning because of that awful dinner and sh*tty candies. I am in no mood for athletics. It doesn’t help that my penis is on DEFCON 5 and about to blow any minute because you stopped having sex with me two weeks ago to make this night “special.” The most you can hope for is two minutes of awkward half pumps and that I don’t fart on you in my sleep as I try to digest all that nastiness.
2) Singles’ Parties. Hmm…Two choices of girls here. The really drunk chick who wants to tell me about her loser ex, or her obese friend who couldn’t get a date to save her own back fat. Hey Betty here’s a tip, that bleach job you did for the hair on your upper lip glows underneath the black light. No I do not want to do a body shot off of you, you manatee.
1) I Just Got My Tax Return. So perfect timing on the part of Cupid and The I.R.S, eh? I have been working my ass off for a whole year. All I wan’t to do is spend my tax return on bills, or a new flat screen. But, nooooo. I have to either buy you a diamond or take you on a freaking one night romp through the freaking land of the Unicorns and Magical Love Fairies. Look, Valentines Day is simple. We have been going out forever, I love you. Now can we please order in some pizza and continue our simple nights on the couch watching American Idol and re-runs of C.S.I like we always do? I have to work in the morning.