It’s your first week on the job. Your assistants have among their responsibilities the role of bringing you up to speed on deeply-hidden industry secrets. They sit you down and proceed to tell you the following: 1. Alien life forms do in fact exist, and interaction with them is just part of business-as-usual, as is an undisclosed use of some alien technology. 2. Several US Presidents have been assassinated not by “Lone Nuts” but as the result of conspiracies having their root within the State and its intelligence networks, possibly involving aliens. 3. The world economy is rigged and central banks and related secret societies have an almost magical vice-grip on the destiny of the human race, but the humans suspect very little, by and large. 4. Bigfoot is not only real and lives all across North America, but has an I.Q. much higher than many college professors of Physics or Marketing.

Now if this described my initiation into my new job, I would instantly age by a decade, at least. Then they make you run a country with an out-of-control military. When a fella becomes the President of the United States, he is willingly taking one huge, devoted pull off a 4-year-long cancer stick. He is agreeing to leathery skin, fat mounds of drooping flesh under the eyeballs, and a generally dropsical, ragged, unhealthy look for the rest of his life. It is written in the contract that one becomes a physical wreck. But you get all the free cigars you can smoke or play with, and never have to wait in a line again or pay for a meal for the rest of your life, period. As one drawback, yearly the entire nation laughs into their sleeve at how ugly and tired-looking you’ve become, as if to say, “haw haw you big-britches bastard, look at what all that pre-sumption has gotten Ye! Look at my healthy skin. What’s the Federal Reserve?!”


With fresh, uncataracted eyes you can now view this History Channel piece about the spooky and terrible secrets “the Most Powerful Man in the World” is privy to once he gains the White House...And check out this pitiful display of accelerated aging that CNN has put together for the POTUS’ (actual, official acronym for President of the United States) 50th berfday. And remember that each of these presidents did it all for you. Except for Reagan, as he was clearly already pickled and salted on arrival.