On this upcoming October the sixth, in West Palm Beach, during “Auto Glass Week” (a real thing), the finals of the 2017 “Auto Glass Customer Service Representative Competition” (AGCSRC) will be held to sort out who exactly has the right stuff. I know, I know, I’m bursting at the seams too! Auto glass! Auto Glass Week! “CSR” competitions! Auto glass CSR competitions! Oh man, my exploding brain! I can’t believe it, it’s all happening!

If you’ve never had the pleasure of attending “Auto Glass Week”, then right now, clear your early October schedule, and start checking off the days. Come on! It’s Auto Glass Week! There’ll be “auto glass repair and replacements technician competitions”, lectures, panels, “keynoters”. And THEN to top all THAT off, you’ve got the AGCSRC Finals! There’s so much energy buzzing around Auto Glass Week, that it might just get hot enough to melt glass! Now, anyone’s who’s worth their weight in sand knows the core temperature within the convention isn’t going to top a couple thousand degrees. But then again, you’d never know if you haven’t been.

Contestants in the inaugural Auto Glass Customer Service Representative Competition will receive a “mystery call” at some point in August, completely unbeknownst, and will be graded on their CSR skills during the call. Momentum rolling, telephone headsets humming – regional winners will then be whisked away to West Palm later this year.

All this “customer service representative” chatter’s got me all hot and bothered. Oh thrill-seekers, what else have we to look forward to within the land of exhilarating contests?

I believe “Air Guitar” competitions are real. These imaginative thrashers pump on their air-axes, presumably before a panel of judges who dole points for things like thrashingest; bobbin-head-bangiest, and illusory fret-board accuracy.

I once read they have “sauna competitions” overseas. Dudes and Sirs pack into maxed-out steamy saunas while facilitators regularly hydrate the box. You lose when you slither out of the steam box.

Mustache competitions seem rather arbitrary. Anyway, all the other top-notch contests pale in comparison to the illustrious, the golden, the invaluable… Auto Glass CSR Competition.